Let me Entertain You

Stuck

The rain grows cold as does the walls that hold me. I've never given much thought to my life as the moments travel by. I've never given much thought as to where I would end up or who, what I would become. I have always said I like to live in the moment.

My moment right now is my reality. Sitting on my uncomfortable bed, my fingers twisting the same loose string I've been fiddling with for days. A blue jacket hugs my body, keeping me from the cold. It doesn't smell like me, but rather, cheap washing power. I'll never be sure where they sourced the clothes they gave me. But a good guess would be the nearest good will.

Truth is, I hate to live in the moment. But I find it easier to just think about the present. Rather then beating yourself up over the past or stressing about the future.

Truth is, I think about nothing more than the future. I think of what my life might become and how I will grow. What will happen to me and what will not. I don't have any goals and I don't have any expectations. I just want to stay me.

Truth is, I'm terrified.

A light tap on the door rips me violently from my thoughts. I'm forced to stand as a small plate of food is pushed on the floor through a small latch on the door.

As the small square of natural light diminishes from the outside, I stubble in my fluorescent beams to the blue plate.

A mountain of mash potatoes, a slice of bread and some frozen vegetables.

I sight as my stomach grumbles. I sat down, my now clean hands clutching the bread gently.

It could be worse

I could have gotten nothing.
I could have gotten a lot more as well.

It takes me ten minutes to finished my food and another ten to throw it all back up again.

My left hand holds my aching stomach as the other steadies my balance over the toilet bowl. The sharp sliver colour burning into my glazed eyes.

One last heave and I've lost all that I've gained.

My rear feels numb as it hits the cold concrete. As does my back against the wall. My eyes search the ceiling, seeing nothing but a blob of fuzzy white light. Without my glasses it almost could resemble the sun, but my skin knows it's missing the warmth.

I ignore the next small click that open the food hatch as the plates snatched back by the metal beam. I hear the scrape of the plastic and cringe, I've always hated that sound.

My head lifts lazily as two small containers are pushed through the hole. One slighter bigger then the other and different in shape, both as white as each other.

As the hatch closes my curiosity overtakes my nausea and I resort to crawling on my hands and knees. My skins scrapes almost the touch concrete gingerly, only ripping off no more than two layers of skin.

I reach my destination in seconds, my shaking hands pick up one of the containers. I feel my stomach churn again, I was be re-united with the toilet shortly.

A small pill bottle is held in my hand. Orange is glow, two white pills inside. I'm unable to read the label due to my lack of glasses. However, I can clearly tell that they look like painkillers. But I could easily be wrong.

My fingers traces the ground to find the next container. A small white bottle, no bigger than my hand, but heavy. It holds translucent liquid inside.

Tenderly pulling the cap off, I cautiously smell the substance.

Water.

Looks like there medicating me. But for my sickness? Or for something else?

For all I know these tablets could kill me.

But then again, I have no real goals for the future. I've been here for long enough, maybe if I start frothing at the mouth they'll take me out of this god for saken room.

It takes two seconds of decisions to swallow the tablets, with the help of water they go down roughly. It leaves a sharp bad taste in my mouth, like rotten peppermint.

I should have known they weren't painkillers.

My shaking hands return the bottles to the hatch. Placing them a few centimetres away from it. I turn my back on them as my cold feet carry me to my bed.

As my head hits the mattress, it began to feel heavy, dizzy and I know I'll be out like a light soon. My stomach grumbles again.

Why couldn't they have put it in my food? I could have been full AND asleep by now, that would be a win, win situation.

I feel sleep dragging me down below the crust of the earth and my breathing slow. My head twists and turns with my train of thoughts as my iconic memory draws a blank.

I only hope that I wake up somewhere a little more accommodating.