the moon scene ✵ graylu + gruvia ✓

ix. gray

Like the shadow on the moon, I keep changing sides. I always knew I will regret this when I am older, so why I did not stop until know only confirmed my insanity.

My mind was unstable, but it had always been this way. My skull was the universe, my mind the earth filled with nonstop quakes. Of course that analogy was not mine--it was Lucy's, her words filled with a passion I never deserved but a love we both believed.

[When there's nothing
but dark and sound,
I will be beside you]

It began to hurt. My body would ache every morning when I left Juvia's bed, like we were two opposite poles of a magnet struggling to clasp together again. We were certainly not equal, for Juvia had the resolve to stay around much longer than I. Here I thought I had a right to her body, but it was a privilege I had never really gained in the first place.

I was rarely at my own home, but days like this had me sick in bed and staring at the ceiling. I was not physically sick, but my mind and heart alike played so many tricks that it often felt like I was. My heart was aching to feel again, but I kept it caged.

[When your fears are a
swarm in the hive of
your mind, I will be
beside you]

Lucy would have come up with some fantastic words right now, relating me to the stars in some way and making up her own constellation that spelled my name all because that was the kind of selfless person she was. She would build a galaxy and hand them over to someone as easily as she could blink her brown eyes. I knew that was the only reason she put up with me.

I asked myself how I could ever actually have the hearts of two women, when in fact they were never really mine. For some reason they wanted to be, yet I refused. It took me years to realize how stupid I was--so long I imagined Lucy's stars burning, dying, and being born all over again--but eventually I did.

I still felt sick, but I managed to roll out of bed. My limbs fell into clothing as I attempted to dress myself in a suitable manor; she deserved me to look good for her. She deserved the world.

[When there's nothing
but the long way 'round,
I will be beside you]

I had forgotten my keys, but I did not care. I already hailed a cab and directed them to her address. If I needed, I would wait until the sun rose the next morning to call a locksmith, but a part of me hoped I would never need to go back; I hoped I would find a new home in her heart.

The cab stopped in front of her building, and the place seemed to growl at me with such a harshness I could only grit my teeth. Even inanimate objects were scolding me. What was next, the stars getting on my bad side?

Throwing the cab driver a handful of cash, I booked it out of the taxi. I didn't care to hear him hollering behind me about overpaying him. It was the first step to kindness I needed to take, all for her sake of me becoming a better person. I would give away every cent I made for the rest of my life if it meant showing her how much I could change.

My footsteps echoed as I ran up there, eagerly pressing the buzzer for her to let me in to her building. When she didn't answer, I pressed all of them, and eventually on person was careless enough to let me in. I would have to thank them later.

[When the tears of your
love and your loss are
entwined, I will be
beside you]

My legs burned by the time I made it upstairs to her apartment. I imagined her there inside, standing behind the door and watching me through the looking glass with that look on her face, that daring one she gave me so often.

My knuckled rapped against her door frantically. I didn't stop until I heard movement on the other side. Slowly, impatiently on my part, the lock on the door slid away, and she opened up to me like I never thought but always hoped she would do.

Only three words came to my mind, three lousy words that were the world's biggest form of inadequacy. It was simple, and I prayed that she and all her raw desire would accept it as my first form of repayment to her putting up with me. Three lousy words I hoped to say to her for the rest of my life.

"I love you."

✵ ✵ ✵ ✵ ✵

E. Koroleva © 2016
a short fairy tail fan-
fic to explain the laws
of physical love.
xx