Autumn Leaves

Priceless

Sometimes I lose myself, and think I find myself in Nick's lips. I think we're all chaotic, freak storms inside. Some of us manage it better. Maybe it's OK to find respite in someone else. Let them steal your worries away. I break from him, one hand rested on his hip, the other slipping from his cheek.

"Can you keep a secret?"

Nick's expression is unreadable. As still as a pebble as river water races over it, immovable.

"Course, papi. You don't need to ask."

"I do." I know what I have to say, and I can see Ansel's crushed scowl, falling quickly to despair and betrayal. He wouldn't know—shouldn't know. And still, he would. Somehow. So here we are. A half-truth. "Ansel..."

"You don't have to tell me what went down with you two."

"Yes. I do. Ansel is... sick. He's afraid. Sick and afraid; not such a great combo. I like Ansel." Shit. This is hard. I feel like I'm breathing in staggered bursts. "He likes me too. More than I realised."

Nick's brow furrows, and he bows his head, resigned. Some part of him knows. It has to.

"He kissed me," I say, dispelling any doubt. Blunt, but it needs to be. "A few weeks ago. That day we were in town, he told me h-he likes me. Loves me."

Nick's head snaps up, and his hands fall to his lap, rigid.

"And you kissed him back," he breathes. I don't recognise his voice. It's gruff. Tainted. Worse than how hollow he sounded the day dad... dad hit him. He was still hopeful then, somewhere in there. "You love him too."

"I love Ansel..." Nick's eyes glisten, and he blinks a few times. "but not like that. I love you, Nick. You have to believe that."

He whips his hands away, sitting back against the wall, stiff like an animal standing its ground.

"H-how do I know that?" he says through gritted teeth. "Maybe you love him and there's not enough room in your heart for me anymore. Maybe this is a lie. But you're too chicken-shit to just say it."

"Nick..." I feel woozy. The sudden sensation of standing up, your world tilting, jarring. Enough to make you want to sit down again and just be still. "No... That's— not it. That's stupid."

"You kissed him... and you're only telling me now. It feels like you—shit, Oscar. It feels like maybe you want to choose him, and you don't know if you want me. What is this? Do you kiss me and feel anything? Do we mean anything anymore?!"

"Yes! Yes," I croak. My eyes sting with tears. "you think after everything we've been through, I'd let you go? I'd stop loving you? Nick, don't ever say that. I love you. I really mean that."

Nick breaks the distance, pressing his head against mine, arms gripping me in a crushing hug.

"We're secret boyfriends," I say, squeezing my eyes shut to silence the tears. "I hate it, but I want you to be happy, so that's what we are. And I am so freaking happy with you. So—so if that's what we have to be... for now, that's what we'll be."

"I'm sorry," he whispers, the tip of his lips brushing against my neck. "I'm no good at this jealousy shit."

"You're pretty terrible." I feel him stiffen, and I laugh. "Not the worst. You didn't get violent or anything."

Nick pulls away from me, meeting me with a deadly glare.

"Never. I would never hurt you. Even if... Even if we fight, we... I'm like a mother bear. I have to protect you. It would break me if anyone hurt my papi."