After Augustus

After Augustus

Every morning I wake up just like a normal person, except I wake up with the thought of death hovering all around me. It’s Gus. He’s everywhere. His funeral replays over and over again in my head. And every time I replay it, I cry. I guess it’s true, “that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” Well, I’m feeling the pain, Augustus. I feel it every second of everyday. 

“Hazel Grace, wake up.”

That voice wakes me up every morning. I hear it, it’s his voice, but I can’t see it. It’s hard to believe in something that you can’t see or touch. But that voice motivates me to keep on waking up and living each day. So, I do try my best to live my life to the fullest for the two of us. I don’t know if I do this out of guilt or sadness, but I do it anyways, because I know that that’s what  Gus would want. When I do something for myself, I have to do it for him too. When I feel pain, I feel it for him too. See, the thing about Augustus Waters is his pain and feelings demand to be felt through me. 

I walk to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth, getting ready for the day using my daily ritual. I then walk down the stairs in my blue slippers, moping around. 

“Good morning honey. Glad to see you’re up this morning. Want some pancakes?”

“No thanks,” I tell her. “I’m just gonna make a bowl of cereal and watch an episode of America’s Next Top Model.”

“Alright, but just remember that you have support group in a hour!”

Oh, support group. I used to hate just going to it, but now I hate thinking about it because thinking about it means thinking about Gus, and thinking about Gus means thinking about our past. I loved the past we shared together, the memories were absolutely incredible, I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but they just make me miss him even more. I think it’s good to miss people, it means that that person played an important role in your life and changed it forever. Augustus Waters sure did change my life forever. I’d say that I’m still unextraordinary, but knowing Augustus Waters, he’d say that I'm the complete opposite. That’s the thing that I miss about him the most, whenever I was feeling down, he was always the one that would cheer me up. Gosh, I miss him so much.

We arrived at good ole support group. I walked in with Phillip by my side, it’s good to have support like that. “Maybe that’s why they call it support group,” I thought. Anyways, I continued to walk in, straight to the elevator.

The doors opened, and there was Isaac.

“Hazel?”

“Yes, it’s me Isaac, hello.”

“Oh, well see ya later!”

“What do you mean later? Isaac, if I have to come to this godawful place, then so do you. Come on, let’s go.” I took his arm and guided him back into the elevator. Isaac was all I had left, besides my parents. Gus was more than my friend, and I would do anything to help out Isaac if that meant helping out Gus. We walked out of the elevator and all I could hear was weeping. Let me guess, one more death added to the list. 

“I’m sorry to say, but our dear beloved friend, Martha, passed away yesterday afternoon,” said Patrick.

I wasn’t shocked, unlike the rest of them. The thing with support group is not everyone’s gonna make it. One minute we could all be fine, and then the next we’re in the hospital dying. We can’t control it, and that’s what sucks about cancer. Cancer takes over your life, it’s aggressive and intolerant. At least it was for Gus. I remember him telling me that he lit up like a Christmas tree, and not too long after that, he was gone, just gone. Cancer hasn’t taken over me yet. Sometimes I wish that it just would so I could be with Augustus again, but something’s telling me that I won’t see him anytime soon. At least I got Isaac.