The Back of My Bookshelf

Matthew's Cup Conundrum

You know life's really fucked when you look at someone else and get jealous of their "stability". The reason stability is in hypothetical quotation marks is because what you call stability doesn't truly count.

I look over at my brother who always carries around a stainless steel cup with the Cubs logo printed on it. He always drinks it and refills it throughout the day, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous because in my mind he's stable enough to do that. To carry around a cup and drink from it and refill it.

What the hell is stable about that?! Plenty of other people easily have the same routine, and I'm jealous because I don't have the energy to do the same.

It's not even just the fact I don't have the energy, it's so stressful. What if the cup spills the contents everywhere? What if I forget it somewhere? Where would I put it if I got into a car without cup holders? I don't even like drinking liquids that much, it'll just get warm before I finish and then I'll want to drink it even less. What about the temperature of the cup? If it's too cold or too warm I won't want to hold it because it's uncomfortable, but I don't like drinking room temperature liquids. And don't even get me started on the condensation!

If it's cold the cup will condensate, then you have to deal with wet. And cold. And cold. And wet. The cup leaves you hand wet the second you graze it, and then you wipe you hand on your pants. Now that's wet. Anything in a one foot vicinity is wet AND cold now. Great. 

What does the fact I physically can't bring myself to carry around a cup and refill it say to other people? Does it show them I'm lazy? Too lazy to even fill and clean a cup everyday and carry it around with me for basic hydration? What if it shows that I'm picky? Too stuck up to carry around a cup because as soon as the liquid changes temperature one degree I don't like it anymore. Even worse, what if it shows then that I'm literally the most anxious person I know.

Or what it just tells them nothing because no one notices such a small obscene fact.

Except I do.

Or if they do they just assume I don't feel the need to constantly have something to drink.

Except I don't.

Thinking makes me exhausted, I wear myself down everyday thinking about the most pointless things. Constantly comparing myself to others, envious of what they have and I want.

I make myself sick with how my brain longs for something I can't fix, or could but don't want to.  It's running on a hamster wheel emotions that always end in exhaustion when I exit the wheel.

So I sit back and chastise myself for thinking too much, and then I do it again for being envious of non-existent stability.

And then I do it one last time for not being able to have the energy to carry around a cup like everyone else.

A/N:

Bet you were excited for an update but after reading this you now know it's just a 527 word tangent about fucking cups man.

See ya suckers 😎