I Get It

I Get It, let me help you.

To the people with depression:

You may think no one cares, you may think no one understands, you may think that being in the darkness is easier. But let me tell you something; I get it. I get wanting everyone to leave you alone, but also desperately wanting someone to reach out and help you. I get wanting to end it all, to finally be able to rest. I get wanting to cry constantly, even if you're so numb to the world that you're unable to cry. I get saying "I'm fine, don't worry." while feeling yourself break apart piece by crumbling piece. I get wanting someone to see in your eyes that you aren't fine, and that you're so lost and broken that it doesn't seem like there's anything you can do. I get feeling like you're alone, I get feeling like nobody would care if you just disappeared. I get what bullying does to you, even when you try to pretend like you don't care. I understand what having a broken family feels like. I get falling asleep at the end of the day, not because you want to, but because you've stayed up for days on end without rest, or because you're body has lost too much blood, or because you tried to overdose on anything you could find in the medicine cabinet. I understand feeling like the times when you're locked away in your own room or asleep are the only times you could ever dare to let your emotions show. I get cracking depression jokes in the middle of class or to your friends because it's the only way you ask for help. I get laughing when someone who has an amazing life says that a certain class gives them depression. I get withdrawing from your friends because being with them will only cause them pain. I even get throwing yourself into your friendships so nobody worries about you. I understand silently crying when you're alone, I get wailing loudly when the house is empty, wishing that someone cared. Hell, I get wishing that your friends would just yell and scream or just leave you alone because you feel unworthy of their friendship. I even get not having friends to laugh and joke around with. I understand feeling so much inside that you don't dare share with others that it physically hurts. I understand crying in front of people because the pain haunts you constantly, but then coming up with a bullshit excuse, hoping they'll leave you alone, but also wishing that someone would give you a hug. I get going to the bathroom in the middle of class so that you can silently break apart a little bit more before attempting to look like nothing's wrong. I get going to the bathroom to cover up the evidence of how broken you are. I get lying to others; teachers, parents, and friends because they shouldn't have to deal with something that isn't their fault. I get the slipping grades, the lectures from parents about how you aren't trying, I get feeling like you aren't good enough. I get the pressure parents putting on your shoulders weighing you down even more than you already are, I get feeling unworthy of things. I get wanting to die, but not wanting those that care about you to be sad, I get wanting to die, but being afraid of death.

I get looking in the mirror in the morning and not recognizing the person that looks back at you. I get starving yourself hoping that nobody will question it, but I also get binge eating because you just want to eat your feelings away. I get wearing hoodies and sweats, even in the summer because they hide how damaged your body is. I get never talking to people outside of school because you just want to be alone. I get drinking, smoking, or getting high so for just for a while you can ignore reality. I get being willing to do anything for the pain to go away. I get smiling when you your significant other breaks up with you, I get pretending like you're a super happy person so that nobody questions what goes on behind closed doors. I get toying with death because you're not sure whether you're brave enough to actually take your own life. I get waking up in the hospital, tears streaming down your face because you can't even have death. I get crying because after a few weeks of worrying, people stop asking "Are you okay?" even though you so clearly aren't okay. I get wishing that someone would come along and call you out on your bullshit, that someone would come along and give you a reason to keep fighting, to keep existing. I get not being able to speak up because of one reason or another. I get wishing that someone cared enough to notice anything. I'm not saying depression is the same with every person, but if any of theaboe symptoms are yours, I GET IT.

But please, I love you all. I'm willing to listen, I'm willing to let you cry on my shoulder, I'm willing to do anything and everything I can to help you. I'm willing to listen to rants, to try to comfort you, to try to do anything to help you. Even if you want to share your suicide notewith me, I'm willing to listen. If you really want to die, I'm willing to listen, andto try to be that person that gives you a reason to go on. I have tried to take my own life over ten times in the past three years. I understand how it feels to have hit rock bottom. I get having something interfering. I get having scars, whether they're physical, mental, or emotional, I get it. I get being so shattered you feel like there's nothing that can be done so you're whole again. If you need me, I will be here. If you need someone to just read what you have to say, or for someone to tell you about why they're depressed, I'm willing to do just that. I'm still depressed, don't get me wrong, but I'm in a better place that I was a few months ago. If you need me to tell you stories about something amazing that I've wittnessed that gave me hope for humanity, come to me. If you need someone to shower you in love because others in your life can't see that that's what you need, I'll talk to you, then tell you what I love from what you've talked to me about. Even if you just want to tell me your name so you aren't forgotten if you choose to end your life, I will listen, I will memorize it, I will cry for you, and I will pray to any higher power that may exist that you have happiness in any afterlife that may exist. You want to tell me your troubles because people don't believe you're depressed? I will listen. I will do anything in my power to help you because I believe that nobody should have to suffer in silence. You want to tell me about how you're part of the LGBTQ+ community, but your family or the others in your life won't support you? I will listen, andI will support you. If you're reading this but you're friends with someone who may be depressed, pay attention to them, listen to them, comfort them, give them a reason to be happy. Give them small little gifts, show that you care, if they think they're ugly or useless, give them reasons why they're beautiful and useful. Even a "I'm here if you need me." can make a world of difference. It's okay if you didn't notice that they're depressed, just make sure to stay by their side.