𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐚 ||𝐝𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐚 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭||

dear suga.

Dear Suga,

I'm writing you this letter because something isn't right. I feel so confused and I need answers. You're the reason for this, so I thought that you might also be the answer.

For 18 years of my life I was sure of who I am. I knew what path I wanted to take, I knew what I want to do, but most importantly, I knew myself. Now, I'm not so sure. It's all your fault, but I can't bring myself to hate you. After all, you have been my best friend for the longest time.

Suga, am I actually... attracted to men? I have been NEVER, until the day you sat me down and told me that you're gay. Do you remember that day? It was late, we both decided to have a sleepover at your place, watched a lot of movies, ate a lot of food. It was fun! Then, out of nowhere, you got really serious. You sat down on the bed and gestured me to sit down next to you.

I was expecting the worst, to be honest. "Daichi, I'm leaving Japan" or "Daichi, I'm dying", I was ready to cry. I sat down and you started talking, I remember your words as clear as if you said them a minute ago.

"Daichi, you'll be my best friend no matter what, right? There's something I've been meaning to tell you, and it's hard because I'm afraid you'll push me away. I am still me, I am still the setter of Karasuno volleyball team.. It's just.. I'm gay, Daichi. I have been for as long as I can remember. You're the first one I'm telling this to, because I trust you the most. You're my most prized person and I would take a bullet for you. C'mon, Daichi, say something..."

I was speechless! I had no idea what to say, but I wasn't disgusted or anything. Now that I think about it, I was relieved. We talked a lot that night, about you mostly. You told me about your crushes and how you knew you liked boys, while I listened attentively.

I think that was the point I started doubting myself. Yes, I never had a girlfriend and I was used to being surrounded by guys, so I never thought of it as a problem, but now that I knew your sexuality - I started questioning my own.

At first I just shrugged it off, didn't think if it at all, but then... came Christmas. Our families were so used to celebrating it together, we couldn't even imagine celebrating Christmas apart from eachother.

As usual we ate, talked, laughed and then everybody started leaving to their rooms. For some reason, we ended up under a mistletoe. Could it have been fate?

I remember you told me that since no one is around, we don't have to, but I insisted we kissed. Why did I do that? I should have just agreed!

We settled on a simple kiss on a cheek. You were supposed to do it, but I had no idea when. So, I turned my head to you and our lips touched. My stomach did a flip, I remember and I suddenly felt dizzy, but I wasn't nauseous or disgusted. It felt as if a bomb exploded in my stomach, painting my inside with all the colors of the rainbow.

You were staring at me with wide eyes, then I saw your cheeks turn red, you smiled and chuckled shyly. At that moment I swear I saw your eyes sparkle. I didn't even notice how I started smiling myself. You then hid your face in my shirt, hugging me tightly. We stood there for such a long time, yet it felt so short.

That was the moment I asked myself "Am I attracted to men?".

But more importantly I asked myself "Suga, am I attracted to you? Is this what love feels like?"

We talked about love before. We both agreed that said "love" is just an initial feeling, the rest is comfort. Comfort of being with the person alone, the feeling of safeness and warmness, happiness and so on. So many other emotions and feelings make up "love", so was I in love with you?

I have been thinking about it ever since. This is becoming a problem, Suga. I don't know what to do. I can't focus during lessons, all I can think about is you, the way you talk to me sweetly. I start daydreaming about all the times we secretly meet in the school's bathroom or go to one of our places and just talk about us.

I can't focus during practices. You noticed that too, you even suggested I take a break. But that's all because I can't keep my eyes off you during the practice, the way your body moves or your skin glimmers just makes me crazy. As I watch you wipe the sweat off your forehead and then turn to me and smile sweetly, my heart skips a beat.

Not to long ago, you made me feel completely different emotions. We were at your place, watching TV shows instead of studying and then you said something that made me freeze. You said "Daichi, I think I have a crush".

What was I supposed to feel? Nothing, because you're my best friend, but I felt.... sad and just a little bit jealous. You continued on saying "I have liked him for a while now, he's strong, loyal, smart and very loving. When I'm with him I feel at home. Daichi, do you know who I'm talking about?"

My negative emotions just shot through the roof and I ended up leaving earlier, I said I was feeling sick. I lied to you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. You're my best friend and I made you feel like trash, just when you opened up about your love life..

I'm sorry Suga. I was wrong.

I wonder who your crush is, though. You don't really hang out with anyone apart from me, Suga..

Wait.

I'm an idiot. Aren't I?

Suga, did you perhaps mean...me? Am I the one who makes you feel at home? My god, I'm such a dumbass. Writing this letter is making me realize things I should have realized before. How could I not know it was me you were talking about?!

I don't know how to explain my feelings now. My hand is shaking as I'm writing this, my heart is pounding, but I'm not scared, I'm happy........

Dear Suga, I started writing this letter with doubts and many many questions. I said that you might be the answer, and you are.

When did I start this? About a couple of hours ago, right? Well, that was enough time for me to realize that I am attracted to men. That's obvious!

Why did I ever question that, I knew it, but was simply afraid of admitting it.

Suga, writing this letter made me realize something important - I'm in love with you.

I am so in love with you and have been for the last 3 years. I've been such a dummy, trying to hide these feelings, ignoring all of the times you made me feel like I was in heaven, hiding the fact that my heart skips a beat every time you touch me.

Dear Suga,

I love you.

I'm going to tell you that today, but only after you wake up from your nap and smile at me. After all, we are together now and we will always be.

Love,
Daichi.

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Hatari being soft and not writing angst????? What is this????? What????? Is she dying???

No I'm not I'm just Soft™ these days.

Anyway, this is one of my gifts for 4K, I have more coming. Expect more oneshots.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

TARI.