Sleep

I don't like to sleep.

Ever since the walls fell... I've never slept well. But especially since I joined the army, it's been worse. I sleep in shackles, on a stone floor in the lowest level of the castle.

I guess it makes sense, I'm an uncontrollable killing machine.

"Go to bed, Jaeger." It was late. "We have shit to do tomorrow."

I get up, and without so much as a glance towards him, I leave. I breathe a quiet "yes sir" on the way out.

The chains are long, at least, so I can sort of move around in them. The cuffs chafe my wrists painfully, but it's bearable.

I sit down, my tail bone is pressed uncomfortably against the floor, and I lean against the wall.

I never thought the army would be... great, but I at least thought there would be a bed. Nonetheless, I close my eyes, alone with my thoughts.

The dream is dark, they always start dark, but a flashing light blinds me and suddenly I'm eleven again. We're home, and the wall has been completely decimated. But I'm alone, I'm all alone.

Ahead of me, stands the silhouette of my collapsed house; I can hear my mom's cries. I have no control over my limbs, as if I'm a bystander in my own life. I run. I run so hard that I trip, and practically roll over to my mother's crippled body.

It hurts, it hurts so much, but I'm oblivious to the pain. I only know the adrenaline in my veins and the wooden beams suffocating mom.

I scream as I try to lift them. I'm desperate to save her. My mind screams at me to stop, that it's futile, that I should run. I don't listen.

My hands are bleeding, I've torn the muscles in my arms. I've been lifting for the past ten minutes, and the wood didn't even budge.

"Run, Eren," her voice is still so clear to me, though it's been so many years. "Run, save yourself, I'm not worth it!" And my vision goes black again.

There's another bright flash and now I'm taller. Much taller. I see the ruined remains of the house.

I still can't control my limbs and I bend down. My mind is screaming at me to stop, because that's our mother. My grotesque hand picks her up, like she weighs nothing, and time slows.

And everything stops.

I'm awake again. I'm screaming. And
I'm coughing, I must have been screaming during my sleep. Between my coughs came sobs, and tears flow down my cheeks like a cascading waterfall.

My wrists ache and bleed and I try to wrench the offending cuffs off.

I'm screaming more now. My nails are being ripped out of my fingers at how hard I'm clawing at the chains and after several minutes, I slump to the ground in defeat.

"It's my fault," I say quietly. "It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, IT'S MY FAULT, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" I'm chanting now, like a mantra, and I can't seem to stop.

My throat is raw from screaming. At this point, I'm surprised that no one has come to check on me.

I brush that thought aside, continuing to cry silently, the chants slowing and quieting to just a whisper every few minutes.

I hear the quick thudding of boots down the stone steps and a jangling of keys. The cell doors burst open and I look up.

"Are you okay?" Levi seems frantic. "I heard you scream, and - you're crying."

"Take them off," I say, bringing my wrists up. "Please." It comes out a sob. "It hurts so much."

He nods and gently removes the cuffs, careful to avoid grazing the already bloody rash that decorated my skin.

I see steam, and the wounds fade as quickly as they came.

"What happened?" He asks, a hand on my shoulder. I shake it off.

"It's nothing." My voice is hoarse and raspy. "It was just a bad dream, that's all."

"Hell of a dream for you to wake up screaming like that." He sits down next to me. "What did you see?"

"The same thing I always do," I reply quietly. "Shiganshina when the walls fell. My mother when I... except this time it's me that's..." my words falter. "I couldn't save her." A lump forms in my throat.

I lean on Levi, not confident that I can stay upright much longer.

"I should have protected her," I say. "It's all my fault."

"Is that what you're telling yourself?" He winds his arm around my shoulder, patting it. "Kid, you had no control over what happened that day. Was it your fault the walls fell?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Was it your fault your mom got stuck under the house?"

"No."

"Was it your fault that you were a kid, and that you weren't strong enough to lift the entire damn roof to save her?"

"But that's just it!" I cry, tears stinging the backs of my eyes once again. "I should have been strong enough! I should have been able to save her!"

He sighs. "It's not your fault," he says after a pause. "It was never your fault."

I'm silent as tears continue to stream down my cheeks; my body trembles. I feel fragile. I hate it.

"I wish I could've saved her," I whisper hoarsely. "I miss her so much."

"I know," Levi replies quietly. "I know."
He lets me lean on him for a while. I don't know how long.

After a short intake of breath, he speaks. "When I was in my early twenties," he says. "Maybe younger, I don't quite remember." He slumps down a little. "I lived in the underground," he pauses contemplatively. "Well, I lived there all my life."

I shift my weight slightly, adjusting myself so that I was slightly more comfortable on the stone floor.

"I met two of the greatest people I've ever know there." He draws a shaky breath. "Their names were Isabel and Farlan." He smiles. "They were like a brother and a sister to me," he says.

"Were?" I question, though I know the direction this story is going in.

"When we were," he pauses. "Recruited into the survey corps," he says. "We went out on an expedition together–" he stops. "–or well, with the scouts– and they–" he hesitates, but continues. "–well, they were killed by a titan... because I wasn't with them." He sighs again. "And I regret not being there to this day."

"Was that supposed to make me feel any better?" I frown, but Levi smiles.

"Shut up, you damn brat," he says, lightly poking my forehead. "I wasn't finished." I laugh a little. "Even though I wasn't able to save them, it wasn't my fault. And though I may regret not being able to save them, I can't go back and change the past." He smiles, wider now, and looks down at me. "What I can do though, I'd make sure the future is safe." He pats my back. "Eren, you are the future of humanity. You are our salvation. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to protect humanity's hope."

I smile slightly. "Thank you, captain," I say.

"Great," He says and his smile vanishes, and is immediately replaced with his familiar irritated scowl. "Now go back to sleep, you asshole. You woke up the entire damn squad."

I laugh sheepishly. "Sorry, captain." I yawn.

Levi gets up to leave, but just before he turns the corner, he looks at me. "Goodnight, Jaeger. Sleep well," he says so quietly I almost can't hear. I answer nonetheless, through a sleepy haze.

"Goodnight, dad." And the world fades back into black. But this time, I dream of my childhood, and all the times my mother made me happy. I awoke the next day with a smile on my face.