I thought three words are supposed to make me feel better.
I don’t understand. It was just one wrong turn in our relationship.
I don’t understand what I did wrong.
But the first time I heard those three words automatically engraved in my mind and heart.
More than the three words I always hear from her.
The three words I was so scared to hear yet been heard is…
****
“Mami, do you remember that school I applied for, the same year we met?” Tomomi suddenly brought up the topic from the past. She applied for a vocal and dance school in the London which has been her dream for so long, long before we even met.
“Yeah. What about it?” I asked cool-y trying not to sound nervous of what she’ll say next. Sometimes she just drops nuclear bombs around me without my notice. It always comes in an unexpected time. She pushed herself closer to me as we snuggled on the couch, with the television turned off and just looking at some space.
“They’ve been observing my performance ever since I applied,” I decide not to reply, waiting for her to give me more information because I am confused right now. I expect her to fill me up with more than just these phrases that makes me feel all scared. I feel like there’s something. Something that is not right.
“For four years, they’ve seen my so-called excellent performance…and I-I…” She started to stutter. Her index fingers starting to fiddle each other and she’s looking down on her knees that press against her chest. She leaned closer as I looked down at her. I exactly know where it is going. Where the conversation is going, and possibly where she’ll be going.
“When’s your flight?” I mustered all my courage to ask in the cold tone. I don’t want to sound shaky. I knew definitely one of us would cry if one started to break down the other. I don’t want her to worry so much.
“I’ve got a month to answer them. It’s still indefinite.” Tomomi turned to me, she want to assure me that she’ll be here right beside me. Tomomi knew that I wouldn't fly to London with her. I’ve got my life set up in here, in Japan. I am finishing my degree on music and I’ve got plenty of opportunities from big companies that will assure my success. Sure London is where the Beatles came from. They’ve got better opportunities but I couldn’t just leave my degree here when I’m closing in on six months before graduation. My years of study would have to stop, and I’ll be delayed. And a whole lot more in my time table would be delayed. It’s nerve-wracking.
“Please say something…” Tomomi gripped on my hand tighter and rested her head back on my chest. I was too deep in my thoughts I did not realize that we were both sitting there silently for a long time.
“Are you gonna take it?” I looked at her eyes. She’s also confused, scared. Nobody wanted to drift apart from the other. We were caught again in a long silence. I did not take it as a Yes, nor for a No. I sighed and pushed aside more of the thought before someone gets too emotional. All that’s best for me and for her is to prepare for what we didn’t want to happen.
After a month
Time’s finally come. Tomomi has to send a letter. The days then weeks after we talked did not become what I expected. We’ve sunk into petty fights, even arguing who’s in charge of the dishes and preparation of dinner. One night I came home pretty late and found Tomomi asleep. I wasn’t able to eat outside so I prepared a small meal for myself. Tomomi woke up and complained about no dinner. I was frustrated from all the scolding from my professors and even when I get home to my girlfriend I would still be yelled at. I rolled my eyes and placed the spoon back to the tray, leaving the meal untouched. I pushed the tray to Tomomi and went to sleep. The following day she complains about how salty it was and how the noodles are not yet cooked.
