My To All The Boys Submission

Gratitude

You know, it's weird.  Usually I write this kind of stuff in the form of a poem, even last night I wrote one that sent me into an anxiety panic, but your voice brought me out of it.  Thank you, so I suppose, I could possibly try to write this without becoming to lyrical, which will be hard since that is how I've grown to express myself.  

Once upon a time, when someone would ask my feelings about you, I would laugh a little and state, "I think he is immature.  I don't understand how anyone could like him."  Yet, here I am bearing my letter to you, declaring that your words have become your image, somehow shaping you to be more beautiful than you are.  

You've gone through struggles that are much harder than the majority of the world.  Your teenage years were stolen from you, so that might be why you act so immature, because you are trying to regain the years that you've lost.   That might be why your eyes have that underlying panic dwelling underneath the surface as you laugh, showcasing a deeper, truer feeling than that which you want to let others see.

But one thing confuses me.  You pretend you don't feel the pressure.  You even stated after you watched a dear friend succumb to the evilest part of his mind, that you have no idea what that would feel like.  Which confuses me, since I know that you struggle.  Sure, you pretend you don't, which I understand, everyone pretends they are okay, but to say something that far against the truth, makes my heart ache for you.  

Hundreds of stars sparkle in your eyes, but for me, you're the only star that sparkles in mine.  Maybe that's because I have become the self proclaimed free of restraints girl, yet, whenever you simply make a post, it sends shivers down into my soul, realization about how far we really are from each other, realizing that sad, most horrible part about this situation.

You'll never see me.  I'll always be another star in your sights, yet you will continue to be the only star in mine.  I can talk about my restraints being free, but between you and I, I will never break free.  I have always imagined the scenario we would meet at.  Maybe in California, walking down the streets.  Maybe, just for one second in my life, I could be the luckiest girl.

That's how we would meet.  Walking the streets of California.  I wouldn't be paying attention, you'd be looking up directions on your phone, or maybe looking at your best friend and as we passed, I would accidentally bump into you.  Of course, I know exactly who you are, but I would play dumb, since if I stated that I knew you, it would probably look like I bumped into you on purpose, however, I didn't.

I would apologize, as others come to your rescue, yet you would wave them off, saying that it was alright.  This chance meeting is all I want.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Just the chance to meet you and you be calm as I do, since I know you are on constant high alert.

Thank you, my love, for your time, for your voice.  Especially, thank you for your eyes and for your smile.  The joy it brings me, when you truly laugh, is enough for me, for now, since that means you're defeating your monsters, along with your best friend.  So please, stay away.  Stay far away.  My heart does yearn, yet, you are becoming happy.  So please, let that joy stay with you.  

Sincerely, 

Someone left alone.