Breathe in.... breathe out.
Calm down Savannah. Your hormones are just crazy right now. Don't even think like that. Like seriously, you just tried to convince your mom to take your brother out with her in order for you to invite a boy that you are nearly afraid of being alone with. Don't even start thinking about what might've happened. Nothing good. He's not good. Stop. It. Now.
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I just got back from Kentucky with my best friend, dreading the night I got back because I promised Xander I'd hang out with him.
He wanted to ask me out and I told him no the first time. We talked about it and I told him to wait until he could ask me in person, so he waited a week.
He didn't ask last night because I went to bed before he could ask me to sneak outside like I have done in the past.
The whole time in Kentucky I've been second guessing about saying yes, but I already told him to ask in person so I couldn't back down.
I liked him sometimes but there are times I don't. Like the first time I hung out with him alone. I snuck out that night.
He wanted a piece of cake. Literally. But I believe he didn't really want the cake. Those weren't his true intentions. See, Xander is more hands on, and demanding. He asked to walk and we did so, once I got to his house. Through the trail, and into the woods that were directly across the street from his house, was the darkest place at near midnight. Completely out of sight was the last thing I wanted to be with him. He's always made me uneasy. and I was alone with him right now.
I knew something was bound to happen. I don't remember how we exchanged numbers but he would continually ask if I wanted to make-out over text. I just didn't feel all that comfortable alone in the dark with him. You know what I mean. Other than that, I was totally comfortable with him. We had become decent friends. I always knew he had liked me, but never thought he'd act on it.
"Let's walk", Xander insisted.
"Sure", I agreed. "Just not around the trail. It seems darker than last night".
"Ah, come on. You're just scared", Xander had joked.
"Right. Sure. I'll prove that I'm not scared", I had announced confidentally. Although I wasn't really confident at all.
And so we went on into the wooded trail. It was just a bit awkward because we had never hung out one on one. But we kept conversation going that mainly consisted of the other night when we were running from a police officer throughout the neighborhood with Little G.
We got about 75% of the way through the trail when he asked, "Do you want to make-out?". I thouht his hormones were a bit too high for a 15 year old. Not to mention, I'm 16. (I never found anything wrong with somewhat liking somebody that was a year younger than I. But only one year at max!)
"Mmm. I don't know. Not ton--", I had started to say before I was interupted.
"Fuck it", he had uttered when suddenly he grabbed my arm and came closer. He was fast. Faster than I could act at least. In a matter of milliseconds, he was face to face with me and passionately but demandingly kissed my lips. It was smooth and god did it feel nice, but I didn't want to move fast. This was too fast and I'm not going to make-out with him.
I wasn't even sure I liked Xander the way he liked me. I didn't want to lead him on. My gosh, did I want to go on, but that wouldn't have been right.
I leaned my head into his shoulder a second after he acted. "Xander, I just can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. Not right now", I pleaded.
"Pleeeeaaassee, Savannah?", he begged. I liked to see him beg, but after a while it gets annoying.
"No. Just no. Not tonight! Haha", I had said jokingly. Really, I was just nervous.
"Okay. But can I at least get a kiss?", he asked.
"Yes, you can.", I said. And I looked up at him and gave him a kiss. I didn't really feel anything. I just felt like I was doing him a favor. That's when I somewhat realized that I wasn't exactly attracted to him. Yes, he was nice and not to mention handsome, but I just didn't want him like that. He of course asked to kiss me plenty more times (about 5). The last kiss had gotten to me though.
"Can I get a kiss goodbye?", Xander said. I didn't even say anything because he knew I wasn't going to say no. So I just smiled and looked up and gave him a last kiss goodnight. We stayed there for a second, nothing too big, then I smiled and backed up telling him that I had to go home. We parted ways, and I sprinted home.
I don't know why, but I felt excited. I sprinted home thinking about how much of and idiot I was. Proceeding to look back every 2 seconds to make sure he wasn't watching as I stupidly ran home. I didn't really know how to feel. I was confused.
Later that night he asked if I was okay with kissing him. I told him that I was okay with kissing him. Then I flat out told him that I wasn't going to make-out with him. I proceeded to say that I'd let him know if I wanted to make-out.
Maybe a couple days passed and we talked but I kept trying to avoid him in order to avoid the awkward tensions. But I knew I couldn't avoid him forever. So, the day before Kentucky, I told him I was out on my bike if he wanted to join. Of course, I knew he would join me no matter what. He told me to give him a minute. So I took the time to go out on my bike and have a bit of thinking time.
Earlier that morning I told my best friend, J, about the nighttime trail thing from the other night. But I had strictly told her to stay out of my business with boys. She was no good, and not to mention, none of her relationships lasted long.
I met Xander at his driveway and we rode bikes for an hour and talked. Mainly complained about things and talked about my troubles. I felt like he was actually listening. I enjoyed talking to him. And it seemed like he enjoyed listening, even when I just blabbed on and on.
After a while, we dropped out bikes off at our houses. We then preceeded to walk. We went around the trail, but it was clear daylight so he insisted on going into the woods. There were small walkways in the woods where frisbee golf stands had been established. but nobody could see us unless they came in. I knew this for a fact. I knew what he wanted but he wasn't going to get it. Not today.
He asked to make-out again, in place I gave him a kiss. While I gave him that kiss though, he didn't let go. He kissed me again, more pationately. I was a bit frightened by his grip and motives (he was immensely stronger than I and I knew he could carry me like I was one pound). I responded by giving him a hug and pulling away quickly leading us into clear sight.
