FAKE HAPPY (Martin Garrix)

2

Packing my bag was harder than I ever expected. I didn't really stopped and thought about how my time here in Spain have affected me as a person. I might have discovered some horrible things while being here... Martin getting married.

But I have also had a journey that I will remember for the rest of my life. The experience I've gotten at work and the people I have gotten to know while being here.

I know that the best thing for me is to go home and spend some time with the people who love and care for me. I need a break from reality and right now my little town in Sweden is the best place for me to be...

I miss my family and friends... but most of all I miss who I once was when I was there... Truth be told I miss Alex... I don't want to admit it but I do. I miss him but I would never admit it out loud, or to him.

I will never let him know that I miss our friendship.

I miss the late nights on the phone while just doing nothing. I miss Martin too, but it's a different kind of missing, there is such a big difference with losing a lover and losing a friend.

I feel like someone you have as a partner you can at least understand that you might fall out of love and not feel the same way, but with a friend... with a friend it's just different. It's not the same kind of missing.

Putting down my yellow summer dress in the bag makes me feel even more like shit, I know that I probably won't wear it in Sweden even if it's nice weather. I just seem to become my old insecure person when I'm back there.

I actually liked being a lost soul, not really having a place to land on. Maybe it's a thing I have to escape but I know when I don't really have a "home" I can always just get up and leave and not stay at one place too long... Like now, when I'm once again leaving.

This isn't the first place I've left, it all started with Martin and after that it just feels like every time I'm getting closer to being attached I run, I leave before I can't.

"Hanna?" The door to my apartment open and there is Miriam one of my work colleagues. She has kind of been like a little sister too me, she's 19 and still got so much innocence left in her life. I wish I could protect her forever from getting hurt, she is such a beautiful person inside and out that it would be the biggest mistake to hurt her.

"Miriam." I answer and realize you can hear my voice shake a little, I know I am close to crying but I do not want to show her that, I don't want anyone to see my feelings.

"You're leaving." It's not a question it's a statement she is making, she knows. She knows I'm running from something. I want to tell her, but I know if I do she would make me change my mind and I need to get away from here... He is still in this country and I cannot be here and accidently run in to him and his fiancé.

I don't want to see how happy he is with someone else. I don't want to believe that he can be happy with someone else.

I wish it was me.

I always seem to underestimate Miriam, she is very good at noticing small things... like the envelope still on the bed.

"Oh" That's her reaction when she stand with it in her hand, she knows someone hurt me, she never knew who but I'm guessing she kind of knew because when we "broke up" or what we did it was all over the papers. I never expected the news to spread so fast, but then again that's media they know stuff before you do.

"I'm so sorry Hanna" She says and looks at me with sad eyes, I never liked when people do that, I do not need or want their pity.

It's enough with the demons in my head.

"I'm okay" Lies.

"You're not" Why does she know me so well? Why?

"You're right, I'm not. I ran in to him last week, I honestly thought something would happen, it just felt so real." I sigh and sit down on the bed. She still stands up beside the bed but I know she isn't trying to make me feel small or so.

Those pitiful looks, I really don't want them now. I can't handle it, not right now.

"He mentioned her after all those feelings started to burst up to the surface of my heart. I don't know what I thought of saying I was happy for him, I'm not... He said something about really wanting me there because of how close we once was... I was stupid Miriam." She sits down beside me and takes my hand in hers, showing her support... her looks doesn't seem pitiful anymore they seem supportive.

"You're not stupid, you just got lost in the past not thinking." She says and rubs her thumb on my hand, calming... she makes me feel calm.

"I told him I would love to come to his wedding..." I hate myself for it, I hate myself for saying that.

"I lied to him... I hate seeing him with someone else."