As I wake in the morning with a new in site into what has happened, I wake with a new epiphany on what my marriage is and has really been, a Dream some would say a nightmare but in reality it has been a dream. It wasn't all bad, and I did get three beautiful children from it I also had the most bliss full 3 months of my life planning and organising a $1000 dollar wedding within my budget but looked a million dollars on the day:):)
My daughters seem to just carry on with their lives like nothing happened after years of abusive language thrown at them. They seem to be like robots doing what they have to to keep the peace in the house. My heart totally goes out to them especially my oldest daughter who is crying constantly and who knows when the last time she ate a proper meal. She refused dinner last night?? My first instinct as a mother is to identify and protect the life of my young, and think of a way of escape??
I slept on the couch which is totally out of my character for me but in my mind I was planning my escape to protect the dearest ones to me. I go through a whole range of feelings of regret, anger, remorse, justification but the thought of coming home one day to my oldest daughter distraught, angry, hateful and possibly even suicidal snaps me out of my selfishness of what about me!!
My babies deserve better because if it wasn't for them I could of taken the path of gang life, drugs and alcohol but since they came into my life it has always been about them and them alone they give me the inner strength to strive harder and higher for a better life for myself and for them they are my inspiration to be the best I can be at anything I do. Unconditional is what thats called I had heard about it in the past but never really experienced it until now.
I send the other two to school on the bus like I would any other day I am home, my aim is to keep the routine as normal as possible so he will never suspect a thing, as I'm about to leave I make out I am going to course and staying with my mum during the week and tell my oldest daughter I will drop her off at school, she is still crying my first thought is DEPRESSION. I feel my heart breaking, it feels like someone reached into my chest grabbed my heart and is twisting it slowly and painfully, knots start making their way up to my throat, I constantly repeat to myself be strong be strong for your daughters!!, this could be the last time we see our home for a long time but still my main priority is my oldest daughter and the anger I feel towards their father my husband , deep inside me is driving me to stick to my plan in my head it's to get out and quickly the less drama the better. For my babies we will be free soon I promise.
As we head out of our rural home our paradise, we start to talk "Hun are you OK?" as the tears roll down my face the reality of whats actually happened kicks in but I must keep strong for my daughters.
Yes mum I am?" she replies with a brave face, but her tears wont stop no matter how dhard she tries.
"No Hun I know you are not!, I see you are not ok!, You rang Nana were you planning of going there to run away?" I asked hurt my daughter would consider to run away like that without even telling me
"Yes mum I needed to get away!"
"I'm sorry Hun" If that's what you want I will support you Hun I love you!"
I know mum I know you do is what I want to hear but I don't!
My logic mind kicks into automatic and I ask "Do you want to go to school Hun?"
"No mum I don't can I stay home, at Nana's?
Yes Hun but there's a few things we need to sort out some stuff,
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