Lost Pages

Lost Pages

Sitting in a white room watching the really bright lights flickering can really make you feel weird. I thought that sitting here waiting for answers would make me feel better, but all it does it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, like I'm not supposed to be here.

To be honest... I'm not sure if I am supposed to here, he surely doesn't want me here.

"Excuse me, if you don't have an appointment you can't be here." The lady in the reception say, well I guess they finally fired Fiona... not that it really matter now.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I'm even here, I should leave anyway." It hurts me to stand up from the blue plastic chair, but I know it's for the best. He doesn't want to see me, why can't I accept that?

Every step I take towards the door makes me feel like I am leaving a part of behind, like I am giving up... maybe I am giving up.

I don't know what happened between us to be honest, everything was fine until one day it just wasn't anymore.

I didn't want things to end the way they did, it just happened and now here I am, lost.

I walk in to my apartment and I already know I won't be eating anything for dinner, I haven't for the last couple of weeks. The only thing in my fridge is some expired milk and beer bottles.

I haven't been feeling like going to the store, it feels like everyone knows... like everyone knows how bad I fucked up this time.

All couples fight right? But they make up... until one day when they realize it's not worth it anymore.

People always say that as soon as a man lift their hand to a woman they aren't a man anymore... but does the same thing works if you are a man?

I know he loved me, it was just the alcohol talking when he raised his hand and hit me, it was just me who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I made him leave me, I wasn't good enough for him. I probably never will be good enough for anyone.

I walk over to the kitchen table and sit down and look at all the pictures, all pictures are from our relationship, the good times to the bad... I can see that in some of them my face is a little redder than other, no one else would notice... or just think I'm blushing. But I know that it's not blush, it's where his hand left a mark the night before.

I jump out of my thoughts when my phone starts ringing, the screen shows the same name that have been calling me the last couple of months... Kian. Kian is my best friend or he was, I don't know if you can call him that still. I have been ignoring him sense the hitting started, he is the only person I wouldn't be able to lie to.

I only did what I thought would be easiest for me.

I look at the screen until it goes black again, I didn't hang up on him, I never could. I only let it ring until he just went to voicemail or gave up.

I can feel how the first tears start to fall from my eyes, I don't know why I'm crying, I did this to myself it's my fault that I'm alone.

My stomach hurt because of the lack of food, but it's not at all close to what it was in the beginning. Now it's just there... you kind of get used to the feeling of being so hungry that it hurts, it's at least a feeling.

I guess you could say I like the feeling of being hungry because it shows that not all of my body is numb.

I went from feeling hurt, sad and angry to just feeling numb. I don't feel anything anymore so I guess hunger is the only feeling I have left.