a book

hello

Hi my names Georgia and for whatever reason you clicked on this, it has nothing to do with dan and phil. cba to clickbait and put dh in the title. I wanna right here bc wattpad is a nice place so if ur interested sure if not leave thanks I don't want hateful comments, it's the last thing I need.

So basically this year has been rough for me, since mid July mostly.
 I used to go out with this boy called Jack and I had something real with him, my first love I fell head over heels instantly, looking back at our first moments together makes me so emotional.

15th July was our one year anniversary, supposedly as we did have a complication a few days before but nothing major.
Under a month later I made a decision to break up with him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I confessed that I liked him and it felt like a miracle he was willing to try it out. Those feelings were way out the window at this point.

We never really properly broke up though, I didn't see him for 2 weeks and wasn't gonna call him but I had a breakdown while on holiday in a canal of all places. I locked myself in my parents' bathroom's shower. (mouthful lol) 
I called him and weirdly he cheered me up because at this point me and my best friend were on a low and drove eachother crazy so I thought I was gonna lose her because we didn't seem to get on but it all soon fixed it self.

Not me and Jack though. When I got back from holiday we went out to Bournemouth for a day out and it was amazing. I caught the train. I never go to Bournemouth by train so I was very nervous and was so full of excitement.
To be honest nothing seemed different. It was like we were still together minus the hugs n' stuff.

We eventually fell back into bad habits.
I'm not gonna go into full detail but to clarify we were basically dating but didn't give ourselves the label boyfriend and girlfriend.

My birthday was amazing, for everyone who came and camped overnight in my back garden. So that wasn't an issue except I was worried about my best friend Lilly as I usually always invited her, just not this year.

Couple days later, he asked me out on the 3rd September after I fell into a pit of sadness. He broke up with me on the 5th. I think he did it because he felt bad for me.

I understand why he did it and it's a very emotional process to go through. Only thing is I'm stressed right like everyone? So as well as this I've just started my GCSE's, I have quite a few social fears that I'm trying to overcome again, I feel like I have self esteem issues again. I used to be so on top of this shit but I never realised it, but I've just fallen off.

I feel extremely hurt, I can't function normally. I walk around everywhere with this feeling of wanting attention and feeling VERY VERY hurt. It's the worst feeling.
I feel like I have no friends, I lost Grace last year (hi if ur reading), I lost Manon due to one of the most fucked up mistakes, I'm losing someone I lost two friends for and I have Lilly and Georgia. Why the fuck do I feel like their not enough? It's worrying me to the point where I can't talk to people the same. Only people keeping me living rn at school is Reece and Georgia.

Jack is acting like a prick and his friends are taking after him. They don't stop until I'm brought to tears which I've only done once. I usually keep it all in for the evenings.
I'm not depressed, I don't have anxiety so I hate to think what people must feel like with that shit. 
Being so attached to someone is really cool but if you're suddenly ripped apart, it's like wax very painful and I couldn't stress more how miserable I've been.

For me all the insecurities, fears and negatives come out now. I thought last year was bad but compared to now I'm absolutely gutted. I hate my life to an extent right now.

All Jack and his friends do is tease, patronise even if it's for a fucking joke and it's pathetic but like being so fragile and sensitive makes every little insult go from being a prick of a needle to a mass murderer torturing you.

I've spent more nights of September already crying myself to sleep. I've been onto childline however gay it sounds to look for answers, to see if i'm not alone because lytchett has such a selfish negative atmosphere. If I'm alone all people do is wave, so I follow Reece around or Jack and his friends around. Because Reece most of the time hangs out with him and Georgia always does so where else am I supposed to go. Lilly isn't an option as with my attitude now I definitely wouldn't like her friends.

I act sad hoping someone other than Jack would make me a priority.
It will never happen, I'm just gonna have to handle my shit alone and get back up on my feet. Because this is life and life sucks ass.

It's terrifying how someone can go from being the love of your life, the most amazing being on Earth to such a basic dickhead. 

I feel used, betrayed. All he does is laugh at me, tease me which I've said but I'm just so distraught. I'm not going on social media in case I get tempted to hit him up because so far he usually would ask me if I'm okay, especially when I'm in such a state. It shows me how much of an ass he's become. 

He's drained my confidence and energy so he can feel great and rub it in my face. It's what it feels like, and for once I'm not exaggerating. This is really hard to write but wattpad, I don't know it used to give me a pleasant feeling when I'd publish my feelings on here.

I remember when he used to be so sad and hate himself, he seems to have gotten way better throughout the past month, when I broke up with him first he detached himself. But instead of reflecting he seems to be cocky and confident. All he's done to me and my friends is negative things, made fun of Georgia, whatever I said above to me, chats shit about Lilly.

Just life right now sucks ass and it makes me want to kill myself quite often although I won't.

My message to people entering their first relationship: Take every chance you've got because the experience is truly amazing and life changing. However, don't feel forced to do anything, don't get overly attached although that is hard to prevent. Know that if it's in school it most likely won't last forever although you'd want it to. Just be careful.

So I feel, hurt, sad, betrayed, angry, confused, overwhelmed and stressed overall.
Also Jack if u do read this I'm sorry but you have given me a harsh truth so it's your turn, this is how you've made me feel. Unnecessary when I told you face to face I need a good friend during this hard time, you've told me you feel nothing about the relationship anymore. So why is it fun to make me feel shit when you carry on.

Goodnight xx