a book

falling and ripping

The feeling of being in love with someone is bliss. Like the best thing ever. You feel like you are on top of the world and no one can bring you down. You're so special, you have been chosen by this amazing person, out of everyone- you have been chosen.
All the weird tingly feelings you get when you see them, that notification on your phone which is because of him.
Just months of nothing but pure happiness. I still question why it happens and the feeling.
I understand the metaphor that 'love is a drug'. Because it's so amazing I love the feeling so much.

You feel like you've found that special someone, you can share all your weird thoughts with, someone who you can tell your dreams, your fantasies- and you get the same amount of interest back. That person that you eventually become super comfortable around, that person you can cuddle up to and just stare at the sky and feel nothing but happiness. 
It's weird how one person can impact your life so much, can make you love yourself so quickly because you feel so special. I can't express how amazing it is and being single now I feel so lovelorn and so much emotion when I think about it.

Love brings out the best and the worst in people.
It really is some sort of hormone psychological drug. Your body creates it and it messes with people. Someone lose it and kill their ex partner.
Which is just obviously way too far and I'm not at that stage yet thankfully.

Love.
That amount of intimacy and deep personal connection means a lot.
I've had it ripped away from me. I was smiling so brightly one day and the following day I was dumped.
I don't think I've gone through anything more painful.
That sick feeling of your heart sinking. Throat going dry. Eyes watering up unbelievably quickly in disbelief.
It's so horrible. I hate to think of being literally cheated on, how that feels like. How being in a 10 year marriage and going through a divorce may feel like.
I've had someone who just dumped me off.

He sent me love letters, containing the sweetest words, the cutest things i'd ever stumble upon.
I thought he showed me another sign of love, he wanted to get involved with my family, he wanted to take me to Canada, he wanted to just make me feel happy. I was so happy, we shared a lot in common. We both loved cycling, so we cycled like 6 miles one day together and caught a train back to my house, I still adore that day till now, and I will for a while.
We went to Poole a few times. I'd always buy him stuff and he'd hate it, but he was deep down so happy. I enjoyed seeing his lips perk up whenever he saw me. I used to love helping him with his work which he struggled with. I finally felt appreciated- like I made a positive impact on someones life. I was treated almost like an adult, I felt like I was with someone who was just as mature as me, who was on the same page as me in life.
He genuinely showed he cared, always made sure I didn't step on three drains in a row and always made me walk on the side of the pavement which wasn't near the road.
He would always get so defensive over me, and I loved that he cared but he eventually became quite violent about it towards some particular people.

I didn't care though, I was too head over heels to care about being called 'a beast'
I shrugged it off and just told him that it was okay and that I was just happy to be with him.

Those were the days I love you meant so much. 

We always got the same bus together home. We sat downstairs with the annoying year 9's who'd blast baby shark with their speaker along with Barbie girl and that pink shrimp song. However irritating it could be those were some of the most enjoyable 20 minute phases of my life.
I'd always get on, get a lovely smile from the bus driver and occasional smiles from all the year 9's. This lovely year 8 called Jenna, Isabel in my media class and some others.
I'd take a seat and soon as he'd would come on, pissed off or not he'd always give me a fat hug 'with a PH' he'd always say which would make me smile. I found it slightly cringey at first but it was just one of things which made me love him.
He'd always have a habit of falling asleep on my shoulder. He was a little softie and I adored that so much. I'd wake him up near my stop and he'd beg me not to go.