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24

*Actual Chapter*

*Carmen Karley Kavinsky's POV*

(HeartBreak)

me and Josh have been secret-ishly dating. I think people have caught on or grown suspicious, but I definitely know that  LaraJean and Chris have really grown suspicious, and a few days later after me and josh got together, I told LaraJean and Chris what was happening. they were so happy for us. I have never felt so happy, so whole in my whole life, except for now that I'm with josh. I've always loved him, and I still get too. although, after Margot came back home to visit, and she is sill visiting, josh has been a bit unresponsive. like, he kind of shut down after Margot arrived. I don't know what to think of it. I don't want to assume the worse, so I push those thoughts/doubts to the back of my mind and refuse to acknowledge them. me and josh love to go on walks together, especially now that Christmas is almost here, and since its snowing, (me and josh, before we started dating, for years would always go on walks together, especially at night. it was our thing. and even though we were only best friends, we enjoyed every moment of it. and now that we're dating, its even ore enjoyable, even tho we never thought that was possible.) so we were walking around, not knowing where we were going to go, we were just walking. he had a hot chocolate that I made him, and I had a hot coco that he made me.  when we got closer to Lara's house, he began to act strange again. he wasn't paying attention to anything but their house. as we walked closer, me trying to rush past their house, but he slowed down. he stopped right outside of her house, when he saw Margot at the trash cans putting trash in them. she looked up. "oh, josh." she said, not acknowledging me standing there, yet. "Margot..." he breathed. "H-how have you been?" she asked him. he was so entranced by her, he answered late. "I-i'm okay. " he said. I shifted uncomfortably. I was standing at a distance for the most part. "good. that's good. so, are you in a relationship now?' she asked. he hesitated, but as if he forgot I was there, he said "no. I-I think about you. I-I never loved anyone but you. and I only want you. I love you Margot. I want you with me for my rest of my life! we were so good! we were doing great!" after he said that, they kissed. they freaking kissed. with that, my heart shattered. I now knew why he was acting so strange. he wasn't in love with me. he was still in love with her. Lara was sitting on the porch, and when she heard that, she ran over and said, "No. Margot. He does have a GIRLFRIEND. and her name is CARMEN KARLEY KAVINSKY! I freaking told you so many times! and guess what josh? she is standing right behind you! I cant believe you would do that to her!" Lara yelled. I had many tears stinging my eyes. it was starting to blur my vision. (he knows how I have never dated anyone because I'm afraid of love. and then he hurts me?) josh seemed to be snapped out of his little fantasy trance, and quickly turned around with a shocked face. remembering that I was even a person. his face showed guilt, but mostly just shocked. "CK, I-I don't know what I was saying! I wasn't in the right mindset a few seconds ago. I-I love you CK. I-I do!" he tried to explain. I shook my head with a sarcastic laugh. "what, I do love you" he said. "but... your not IN love with me. your in love with Margot. but I don't understand why you would make me believe that we actually had something, if you never felt the same way for me, as I did/do for you? was I just your distraction away from Margot?" when he didn't answer me, and looked down ashamed, I knew what the answer was. "right. I guess I got my answer. you two deserve each other." I said as more tears stung my eyes. I turned away and ran home. tears clouded my vision, and I would bump into cars as I was running because I couldn't see them through my tears. once I got home, I ran straight to my room, slammed my door and locked it, and cried. everyone knew how fragile I was when it came to relationships and love. normally I'm pretty tough. but, things like this just break me. and as far as I know, I'm broken. broken by the last person I would have never guessed. Josh. my best friend. my love. my life. but, he's gone. he is no longer a part of my life. he means so much to me, but... I know that if I talk to him again, I would just break down and cry.  besides, as much as I want to hate him, I cant. but I need to go somewhere away from here. I'm going to take my new job offer. a new modeling company wants me to work for them. meaning that I will be traveling the world doing modeling. I'm taking that offer now. after I called them, letting them know that I will head out to L.A as soon as I can, I cried myself to sleep.