Okay.. please keep in mind this book/chapter is, for me, a way to vent off. everyone has to speak up and say what's bothering them every now and then, even me....
Few people know about me, in a personal level I mean... pretty much out fear of getting back-stabbed, that's a reason of why I don't open up in real life: I lock myself away, fearing that they'll judge me harshly and in a destructive way, built my own walls around myself, this... affected me in an emotional way, how? I grew VERY apathetic, my thoughts began to transform into a storm, not letting me... well, think clearly, I had sleepless night with just that storm and I, making up excuses of why people "don't like me", not being able to see it was me, I was the reason of why people go away, because I'm protective over myself, I don't let people in, they give up on me and just let me be... or so I thought; at school, I have the same classes: same people, same faces, same personalities... same history... people say I'm dramatic, I'm just... really soft when it comes to emotions, and the walls mask my true emotions with anger and hotheadedness: I get really protective in a flash; All this time I've spent in school and with my classmates is the same history: they annoy me, frustrate me, make go nuts, and they know that, they're aware (+10 years with the exact. same. people, for crying out loud.), and I have proof they are since I caught one of them saying, in the middle of a lecture with the teacher (or the teacher talking about something off-topic and letting the class have a break) "We annoy [Totto] because it's fun!". I had this classmate who judged me for every single thing i did... and when she found out I... was on medication... she flat out framed me: not letting me be part of the team, giving me the most insignificant role when playing.. and I'm pretty sure she believed I was faking my condition... and that condition (i don't.. really know how to call it..) is very very very common.. or so I was told. anyway... that affected me really badly: the storm grew by making me think no one wants me near, that I'm useless... and when everyone saw how I was acting, instead of asking of what's wrong or... or something... they rolled with it, leaving alone..
Then... there was this time, not too long ago to be honest, when I just wanted to end it, i just wanted to disappear from the world... The people around me, somehow, weren't that involved. My thoughts... my mind... made me believe fake and that-never-happened scenarios were real; To put it in perspective, have you ever had that moment when you imagine different outcomes of a situation, like a comeback or a response that would have made you win that argument? and then you believed it DID happen? now imagine that but x10... and instead of you winning.. it's them winning in a "better" way or you losing harder... that's what kept happening to me.. the storm kept coming up with scenarios where people were mean and hurting me in one or another... i want to believe it was because of a small trauma I have with school that made me think everyone wants to hurt me.
I got off topic, sorry... anyway.. i just wanted to be gone, i guess.. i grew depressed, and because of the medication I was taking... i was able to mask it, no one noticed, not even my family...that was... until I met her, she was a new girl in school, she came with crutches since she got injured, so she was getting helped by everyone, including me: i showed her the school, where everything was, what the school does, helped her getting to our classroom (since we have to take the stairs to get to it), and even helping her with that HEAVY bag of hers; At first... i didn't know what to think of her: part of me didn't want to have anything to do with her... but the other part of me... wanted to be with her, telling myself that she IS different from the rest, and before I knew... we became friends, and we were pretty much the Yin and Yang: Everyone in the class loved her, she had this aura that made everyone care and become her friend, wasn't afraid to show what she was made of, was filled with emotion and brave... I on the other hand... was the opposite, I was being very apathetic, hiding from everyone, not letting them see who I really was or what I really felt out of fear... yet I felt we were one in that same....
She made me feel safe, I trusted her, so.... I told her what was up.
She asked me if my parents were aware of that, told her no, then told me to go and tell my parents. Weeks after I did, we went to my doctor, who told them that the pills I was taking masked signs of depression and anxiety, I thought that was what the storm is: my hidden depression and anxiety; He gave me different pills to take, it was a new kind of pill but, supposedly, it was better, I was hesitant, after all, it is a new pill, no one knows the side-effects or if it really works, but alas, my parents took his word and now I'm taking those pills, but the storm hasn't cleared off, it's still here, not letting me be normal, not letting me go... but somehow I'm still here, standing, fighting, taking the hits... I'm not sure anymore... at least my apatheticness is going away... or so I hope.. My friend moved to another school, so... I'm alone at school again, my classmates are still indifferent about my ADHD... they still don't see how fragile I am and that they actually hurt me... but I can't let them know they affect me, because they might keep going until I just..... snap.
the only thing I just hope for is... this storm of mine goes away... finally leaving my mind in peace.. letting me break out of this shell of mine and be my true self, the one that.... somehow managed to make friends online... I would normally keep all of this to myself and lock it away somewhere in my consciousness so no one would worry... I guess...
Ȉ̴̛͔̩̤̘̤̤̱̘̣̱̄̐̓͊͌̆̿͆̒̆͑̕̕͝ͅ ̴̢̩̠̺̳͍̪̗̗̱͇̣͖̲͎̐̍͐̏g̷̨̤̤̭̥̯̤̈́́̒̌̉͐̿̓̍̂̏̆̄̕̚͝ų̸͍͖̪̜̺̟́̑̂̀̓͛̋͆̒̈̅̂́̅̅͑̚e̴̗̖̖̪̤̼̤̙͔̱͇̜̩͊͐̿͋͆ş̴̛̉̓̓̆̉̃͒̇̕̕͠͝ş̴̡̬̥̜̞͍̜̞̘̲͇̟̖͕̗͉̉̿́͠ ̶̢͓͈̦̤̺̣̘̜̱̝͈̞̍̅̓͑͌̍̽̑̀̿̿͝Į̸̯̜̮͉̣̥̘̳̘̳̳͇̀̿͑ ̸̡̡̧̭̗͈̫͓̠͉̪̫̙̭̗̍̋̇̈̋͗̅̃̇̓̉̋͌̂̑̉̚͝f̷̛̫͓̰̜͇͚̲̯̟͉̙͇̦́̈́͝i̶̝͓̺̞͍̜͑̈͜͜n̶̢̜̯̘̥͚͈̹̤͎̯̦͂̃͗́͂̀̒͛͂͑̆̒͘ͅa̵̡̡͙̳̫̯̙̪̺͈͌̅̓̄̿̈́̈͝l̷̨̘͎̗̹̘̰̖̻̫̪̗͎̰̙̪̬̲̑̏̍̀͝l̸̡͉̥̜͍̮̺̺̣͙̹̬̳̝̓̇͋̄̑͋́̾́̈́̿́̍͋͘y̷̛̹̰͉̬̬̜̘͚͂̉̽͊̓͋̿̇̿̀͠͝ ̶̡͈̈́͐͌̃͗̄͐̏̉̄͆̃͊̅̆̐b̷̡̧̝͇̤̘͓͓̟͍̙̠͇̃̒͌͜r̸̛͙͚͚͎͖̳̩͒̑̀͂̉̉͒͋̓̾̔̈́̀̂ơ̶̡̟͇̥̜̞͓͔͓̙̫̥͍̠̟͛̎͑ͅk̴̡̤̥͕̗̻̻̦͂̆ͅë̴̪̞͕̓̈͒͑͊̊̓̅̄̌̀͑͘͝.̸̛̜̠̤̺̩̭̍͒̃̆͗̏̍͊͠͝.̵̢̼͚͖̦͚̪̺̯͓̙͆̑̂͆͑̒͝.̶̡̛̭̺̣͇̮̪͇͉̭̫̈́́̃̿͊͊͌̅̀̊͋̏̓̓̽͘͠
