𝑚𝑦 𝑗𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑦

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page one.

depression.
everyone feels at once depressed.
but what is depression?
feeling sad?
worthless?
useless?
etc.
depression is common but when it controls your mind, the mind will lose it's power to identify a situation and can't be able to find a solution.
depression is a mood disorder that causes persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

i didn't feel like that everyday. but most of the time i did. i just sat there. fingers red of writing my head out for hours and hours. did it help? did it feel like i was actually talking to someone? no.
i just helped me to actually get through a day. without being confused of what was going on. i felt a pain/pressure on my chest, everyday. my shoulders felt heavy. whenever i did something good, a thing where normal people would be proud of. it didn't get any lighter. it felt like it was getting heavier and heavier. i didn't realize how many emotions i carried throughout the day. weeks. years.
how did that weight become lighter?
i have no clue. it's not like i had anyone to talk to. no one noticed anyway, so why cause trouble? why trying to find help while people i asked for help run away?
a fake smile, went to an emotionless face.
no one noticed.
my eyes became darker and darker.
the bags under my eyes became bigger and bigger.
one day someone did notice. my mom.
"have you been sleeping good recently?" she asked. i nodded knowing it was a lie. "why?" i asked. "oh, nothing."
did it hurt, that no one noticed. at first it did. but when every single thing, that isn't supposed to hurt, hurts. you're feelings become numb. so i thought.
stress, mixed emotions, anxiety etc. were filling my body from head to toes. the happy old me.. where was she? where did she go? why did she leave? i asked myself. but did not know the answer. hopeless nights trying to find her. a night she found an old book. a photo book. loads of pictures with joy and laughs. smiles. a smile that was hidden somewhere. "how can a picture not change, but the people in it can?" i asked myself.
was it okay for me to feel like this at such a young age? i mean, it's normal to not know how you feel right?

- ok wait this was a mistake nvm i'll stop.