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Scrambled

Just as it says: Scrambled. My mind and my emotions are a mess. I genuinely don't know how to think or act. So let's go over what's happened over these past two days.

First I made a lot of friends on accident, I played fortnite on my Ps4 while the window was open to the dorm just because it was hot as shit. Fast forward a bit. Some of the guys paused by the window and took turns playing, they all eventually joined me in the room because it was cold as shit outside and after a few hours or so pretty much all of them left. Except one.

I was continuing to play Paladins with my friends, just chilling on my bed. Laying on my stomach cause it was the most comfortable. I noticed out of the corner of my eye he'd moved from my roommate's bed to mine, to sit behind me. Which I didn't really care at the time because I was more focused on trying not to die and to win. For no reason he had randomly began to massage my butt. No reason, no talking to me, just was there and doing whatever. I kinda tried to wiggle a bit to give him a signal to back off but I was busy trying to play with my friends. At some point I thought fuck it and just ignored him.

However he'd tried to get more intimate, he'd pulled at my underwear, trying to pull it off. (Keep in mind I wasn't expecting people to appear so I was just loungin as I would normally). I used one of my hands to pull them back up a couple times and I think he'd gotten the hint but he continued to rub on me.

For whatever reason, he'd decided to rub his dick on my butt. At first I didn't know what he was doing so I'd glanced back and even asked him what the hell he was doing. When I'd realized it, I muted my mic and asked him again what he was doing, and he just looked at me like I was stupid. I told him that I wasn't interested and he'd asked me "Then why did you let me get this far?" I got annoyed and rolled my eyes at him.

I'd put my headset back on and unmuted my mic, I had to lie to my friends about some shit why my mic was muted and continued playing. At this point I was annoyed by Paladins so we moved onto Rainbow Six. Five minutes or so after I was playing with my friends, he'd picked up where he left off, I crossed my legs and tried to shift my weight away, just not having any of it.

After some point he was asking me a bunch of random question about just whatever. I felt anxious whenever my friends had to get off as one of them had work in the morning while the other had school. So now I had to confront this problem. I'm not sure why but at some point I had slept with him, I didn't really care to say anything, I don't really wanna deal with this. I'm not sure how to go about this. And even the other day I was watching movies with him one minute and then sleeping with him the next. I don't know what is wrong with me or even was, I just feel played and stupid. I don't know what to think or feel. I just hope everything can end. I actually have been so depressed and just generally disgusted with myself that I had been contemplating suicide. I know it's dark but I've had problems with it in the past and you know how they say your past comes back to haunt you.

I just want it all to go away. I just want to stop hurting. I feel like I can't cry cause I already am all of the time. Maybe not physically but I am on the inside. I cover it with laughing, joking, and smiling. Why drag others into my mess, my sadness. Why not make others smile. It's better it to be one to suffer versus all.