Diary of a Somewhat Closeted Pansexual

Fear

Fear.

It is an emotion - a feeling - that all people have experienced at least once in their lives. It is a defining factor is a vast majority of decisions made everyday by people of all different backgrounds, genders, ethnicities, and ages. Fear is what causes people to hold back. What prevents them from being themselves and having confidence in who that is.

Fear is what controlled my life. It is what fueled the fire of anxiety deep inside. It is because of fear that I spent all four years of high school lying to both myself and the people around me about who I was. It is what still keeps me from being honest to my parents and those who I came to know as my best friends. But here, in the privacy of my journal and in a college in an entire different state, I can be honest. I can say what I have kept bottled in.

Even though I write this while alone in my dorm. I still hesitate to write it down because of fear. I am afraid of someone reading this. I am afraid of society invalidating how I feel and who I am. I am afraid of losing friends even though they will never see this. I am afraid that I'm jumping the gun and deciding too early on who I am, and that in a year I'll look back on this and regret having established myself as part of a community I don't belong in.

But here I am, taking a leap of faith, and saying that I am pansexual. That I don't love people because they do or do not have certain genitalia, but because of who they are.

And I can feel the comments now. People silently judging, saying pansexuality isn't real. But i can't stop how I feel. I can only take it for what it is and run with it because it is who I am. After telling myself constantly for four years that I am straight and that the reason I was looking up differently sexualities all the time was because I wanted to be an educated ally, writing this down feels like a breath of fresh air - like a gigantic weight has been lifted off of me. That sounds cheesy, but what else can I say?

I am writing this journal to help myself be more honest. So that I can cope with my emotions and hopefully help myself unscramble my muddled mind. I just hope that no one finds this and that no one finds out unless I tell them myself.

Sincerely,

A somewhat closeted pansexual