335.9 MILES

E-

335.9 miles.

5 hours and 9 minutes.

The distance kills me. My arms aren't long enough to touch you. My voice isn't loud enough to call out to you. My courage is too low  to type out 3 simple words.

I whisper them into my pillow. Yell it to the waves that roll and crash around my ankles. They are in repeat in my consciousness.

Restless nights end in tears and heartache as I dream and dream about your face, your lips when you told me gently you are "always here for" me as you dropped me off outside, the moonlight and midnight air consuming me. Fingers, laughing as you grabbed mine to pull me up from deep snow, our cheeks flushed and toes numb from the midwinter chill. It was in those moments I realized I was in love with you.

The closest thing to despair is falling for you, my best friend. What is worst is your heart has already been claimed; by soft brown eyes and a kind smile. Someone I cannot dislike because of her golden heart, someone who is one of my closest friends.

I listened as you told me about your dates, how easily she gets you, and how happy you are. Although my lips turn upwards, it is strained. My ears are open, but my responses are short. With every word you speak of her, a crack forms upon my heart.

It is good to see you so happy, but I wish you were sharing that happiness with me.

There were moments before, when we were young and puppy love was the only thing we knew. Immaturity was my worst enemy and vain thoughts controlled me. Most importantly fear had hold of my heart.

Talking late into the night about anything and everything. Knuckles brushing and blushes that accented the color of your eyes that shined when you smiled at me. Fourteen, holding something I didn't even know I had.

One year and so much had changed.

Two and we had grown to be different people.

Yet you were there. Through ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, we were each others shoulder to lean on. You were my safe place, something I cherished dearly.

Then, suddenly, I was driving away. Watching myself be replaced from a distance and everything we had built be demolished from the rear view of a car I couldn't control, helpless in the passenger seat. Staring longingly, not responding to your texts begging me not to leave.

335.9 miles.

5 hours and 9 minutes.

3 words I could say in 3 seconds.

I feel fourteen again. I write the hundredth letter you will never read.

I LOVE YOU.

Yours forever
(because I believe once you love, you never stop)

-B