destructive me

Prologue

Thoughts. That's the only thing that runs through my mind. Thoughts. They lure me into places that I don't want to be, places that I don't know. My life almost feels like a movie; a unpredictable movie that's filled with non expected plots, just like marvel, people with taste would understand. For a shorter explanation,  it reminds me of that moment in a movie where the character is stuck in this unnecessary block of ice as he slowly waits for it to melt, not realizing it was too late, there wasn't a way of getting out. That's me, I'm stuck in this unnecessary block of ice cube and I'm constantly trying to break out of it. It always seems like maybe I was destined to fail at everything that comes my way.

I prefer to keep things to myself though because every time I think highly of someone, suppose they would turn out to be different. They end up proving me wrong, as always. I always believe in people, some say it's a shortened road to disappointment but having hope seems like the one barrier that won't end up hurting me or maybe I'm just foolish and naive or as my parents would say, delusional. 

I sighed breathing in the cold Alberta weather, holding onto my backpack straps with my jet black gloves that kept my cold pale skin covered in warmth, cheeks just as pink as my lips and my curly short hair getting flown over my hazel eyes by the subtle wind. All I could hear was my boots breaking up the thin layer of ice below of me as I made my way to my first junior year in high school.

 I don't mind walking to school. To be completely honest I'm almost grateful that my parents aren't taking me. It isn't like they would notice that I'm around in the first place, it's not like it would make any difference. Those ten minutes to and back from school is quite therapeutic, it gets me away from the intensive bullshit that goes around in my house. 

I climbed those icy stairs hearing the chatters of high schoolers as they get surrounded by their friends. I don't have any friends, expect the girl in gym. I wouldn't call her a friend though, she threw up at me once. I wasn't heading anywhere important anyways, no one was waiting out for me, not even her. 

I just wanted to get my schedule and get away from people so I wasn't noticed, I wasn't even noticeable in the first place. I pushed back on the entrance door, taking two steps at a time looking around at the same paint, same walls, same lockers and people. I find it insane that for the years that I've been here, I have no feelings towards the school. I have no interest of being here; it's pointless to me. Why would I surround myself with people who don't give the slightest shit about me and my existence. It's hard and lonely.

You know the drill, the bell rings, you go to class, listen till the bell rings again and head on to the next class, sit alone at lunch, so on and so forth till  the day ends and you go home. It's the same shit that happens, there wasn't anything new and it was probably how my life has run throughout my entire life. I value education, no doubt about that, my grades have been straight all my life even when I was forced to study alone; no one was ever proud of that. Sometimes I just get sick of doing the same routine and having no one to cherish and love me for my accomplishments, it makes school pointless and goals unnecessary. 

Sucks even more when you have no one, no friends or a stable family to support you, it's heavy. 

Opening the front house door was nothing new either. I placed my jacket on the left hook, passing  by my parents who were endlessly arguing about who knows what. I waited there for acknowledgement earning no response as usual. I let out of shaky puff of frustration making my way up the stairs, checking on my brother, my only top priority and stable family. I knocked on the door making my way in only to find him asleep, dry tears streamed down his face. I made my way in, pushing his school bag against the wall before covering him up and wiping his cheeks, only if my parents weren't such losers, he wouldn't have to feel hopeless at fourteen. I wish it wasn't this way  for him, he deserves better than he is given. I laid down beside him as I felt anxiety take over me.

Take it easy Elara, everything's going to be okay.