White Roses

Chapter 1 - When words are no longer good enough

Eighteen years later.

I think part of me knew it had come to an end the moment the sound of heavy coughing broke through my dreamless sleep. Even before I was fully awake, my body rose instinctively in the direction of the sound and a soft moan left my lips when the pain of the aching of my muscles fully broke through my consciousness. Sleeping in a chair could hardly be called pleasant, but what else was there for me to do? If I'd allow myself to rest in my bed, I would be forced to get out of it every so often when my father needed my help and wouldn't be able to fully relax anyway, so why bother?

His condition had worsened these past two weeks and it seemed like his death would arrive shortly. Part of me wanted it to be over. To have the entire period of pain and grief that would hit me shortly already be in my past. I knew it would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to endure and it was an ever present thought when I cared for him on his deathbed. I guess, however, that there was no such thing as escaping such intense feelings. Life would not let me cheat, not even to ease my pain.

'Dad?' I whispered into the darkness. He let out a groan, coughed some more and replied with a muffled 'Neviah?' I sighed. The fact that my dad still refused to call me Nea, even after years of me begging him to, was a big frustration of mine. However, even if I wanted to, I simply couldn't scold a sick man about it. A dying man. His body was exhausted and his mind almost vanished. Besides a few lucid moments here and there, he had become a ghost of the man he used to be, withering away in his bedroom.

I maneuvered my way through the darkness to the side of his bed, where I found his nightlight and turned it on. Only part of his upper body was visible, the rest of him was hidden away under numerous layers of blankets. You'd think they would keep him warm, but they were forsaking their function; he was constantly shivering.

'It is time.' He looked straight at me with eyes that had seen the world, but hadn't seen enough. A look full of regret, pain, and suffering, but mostly tiredness of the battle he had fought. And lost. I didn't want it to be time. I wasn't ready for it to be over. I could not lose my father. So, to not give in to the conclusions that were forming inside of my head, I played dumb and asked the most insignificant question I could have asked in a moment like this.

'Time for what?' My voice sounded hoarse, almost child-like. I was raised to be an independent woman, but I was fully dependent on this man lying on the bed. He was my world, the center of my universe, the person who raised me on his own without a mother figure in the picture. He had taught me everything I needed to know to make something of this life, so how could it even be possible that he would no longer exist? He looked at me knowingly and sighed.

'I can't lose you, not yet.' My voice was barely a whisper that filled the silence after my unanswered question. His arms opened for me and I threw myself into the embrace, for once not caring about the strength such physical contact asked from his broken body. I would not be able to let him go without actually holding him for one last time. When I finally pulled back, I saw that a single tear had slipped from his eyes and rested on his cheek, waiting for his brothers and sisters to join him on the way down. I realized that my cheeks were already home to a waterfall, wet and constant, dripping from my eyes in a steady stream of emotions.

'My life on this earth has come to an end, Neviah. You, nor I, nor anyone in this world can change that fact. I don't want to leave you, but trust me when I tell you that this will be for the best.'

'How can this possibly be for the best?' I looked at him, confused. He simply smiled before he continued.

'It was my choice to leave like this. My life had to end to ensure that yours would continue, you need to understand this, my love.' His fingers were tapdancing on the bed, searching around in an attempt to find mine. I let my fingers slip between them and squeezed softly.

'Can you maybe be a bit more specific?' I was being careful now, mostly to protect my own feelings from getting hurt. He had made a lot of attempts to start a similar conversation with me over the past few days, but it had always ended in incoherent gibberish, after which he fell asleep without explaining what he actually meant. I figured this time would be similar, only now he would not wake again. I had to blink hard, because the mere thought of it caused more and more tears to fill up my eyes and distort my sight.

'I can't postpone this anymore,' he whispered, while he clasped my hand more tightly. 'Neviah, you will be the savior of many, the hope, the redemption. You are the only one that is able to help them...' A series of coughs prevented him from continuing the story he so bravely started to tell. I silently stroke over his upper arm while I waited for him to calm down again.

'Who will I save?' I decided to play along, not wanting the last minutes of his life being wasted with a useless discussion about him not making any sense.

'Samea. You will save Samea, beat the Black Order, and free the people of Eresan. You will bring peace, Neviah. You will end the war.' He smiled at me, looking proud of my fictive future accomplishments.

'And how will I get to this place? How will I be able to beat this... Order?' My father, clearly overjoyed that I believed him, babbled on.

'The garden! Underneath the bush with the white roses. There is a box. Just read the letter... My time is running out, but the letter will explain everything to you, I promise. You'll understand why it was worth it, and you'll be save. They won't get you. You are strong, baby girl, stronger than them and stronger than the Order. Promise me that you will keep on fighting, Nea, please.' His look of utter despair that begged me to believe him, begged me to stay strong, broke me. I nodded at him.

'I promise.' His despair faded and a content look took its place. He finished what he wanted to say and the hard lines in his face started to relax. His head leaned back into the pillow and a long sigh left his lips.

'Keep... fighting...'he mumbled, his eyes now struggling to focus, constantly fluttering shut and then flying open again.

'Dad?' The grasp he had on my fingers started to loosen. 'Dad?!' He gasped for air, but it got stuck in his throat and his voice was rasped when he spoke.

'Ne...vi...ah,' he said with immense difficulty. I was trying to get a grip on the situation, but it seemed to be slipping through my fingers like running water. One moment he was doing semi-okay, but now? I didn't want to finish that thought.

'Shhh, you don't have to say anything. I am here, it will be okay, it will all be okay.' I could no longer prevent my voice from shaking.

'I...' For one moment he seemed to have caught his breath again, but then he coughed again, more intense this time. Blood stranded on the sheets around him and dripped from his chin. The red seemed intrusive on the pale posture of his white skin.

'It's okay, it's all okay,' I muttered, not knowing what else to say.

'I love you, Neviah, with all my heart,' he whispered, the words practically unrecognizable in the low volume that he spoke. His eyes were almost completely closed now and the rise and fall of his chest was getting slower with every second that passed.

'And I love you.' He swallowed, gasped for breath again, looked at me one last time and I saw a glimpse of his blue eyes before his eyelids closed completely.

His chest stopped moving.

His fingers lost their grip on mine.

And just like that, he was gone.

All that was left was the lifeless shell of what once was, but would never be my father again. I think the moment that realization hit me, was the exact moment my world stopped spinning and just went black.