To All The Boys I've Loved Before contest/ heart spill

Dear Teal,

You don't know your Teal but I'm almost positive you know your river. I started off liking your friend James. James was called golden boy by me and one of my close friends. You don't know her, but she helped me get through my first semester of Freshman year. I would talk to you a lot just because it was easier than talking directly I him. He kind of intimidated me. I remember posting the video of me in the ELA room alone then they called your brother to the main office. I remember going to see Dua Lipa and seeing a dad that had the same hair cut as you and sending it to the group chat and laughing. I liked James for a good while because he was funny. Then I started slowly realizing that he wasn't as funny as I thought. He was just making jokes off of the jokes you made. He was kind of annoying, but so was everyone in our class. March 14th 2018. Everything changed. You say next to me so you could sit near your friends while we had Justin the French teacher as our English substitute. We had walked out of school earlier that day to protest gun violence laws, and later I was going to see Mean Girls on Broadway. I was really excited and was pumped the whole day. I was waring my cute pink knit low v neck shirt and we (i, you were joking around with your friends) were working on our essays on who knows what. Maddy started filming us and you were funny for the camera. Then Tess filmed us. I laughed at how dumb you were being and at your self inflicted pain. What else am I supposed to do when you bang a book against your head. Jack (super gay. Actually is bi tho) said we looked cute together. I couldn't get it out of my head. Jack said we looked cute together. And he kept mentioning it so it got driven into my soul. That next day, feeling tired from Manhattan the night before, I was talking with Jack and his friends and they were all saying how we should date. I kept saying nah. And there are photos of me saying nah but in my head I was like "YES PLEASE. SOMONE MAKES HIS HAPPEN". I decided to tell Anna about all of my crushes. I told her about James and what everyone says about you and I. She said hands down you were a better choice. And I agreed. The next Wednesday as we were going to see Children of a Lesser God, I showed her the video when I was on 1%. She squealed (as she does) she's convinced we will end up together. As the little sneaky sneak sneak she is, she pulled some strings behind my back and got you to play the boy in her film. We were at Karaoke when she told me and I screamed at her and then we started singing Mr. Bright side. Then jack had me play the girl desperately in love with you. As much as I fit that role, I had to act like I was this person discussed by you who was acting to like you. I couldn't be too sincere with my actions. First day of filming Anna's project you didn't show up. I wanted to rip your head off and slice you open because of how you didn't tell either of us you couldn't make it. Then the second time locations didn't work out because we had to change locations due to you not telling us your scheduling. Third time. Whoo. Finally. Anna listened to me to just film in the park. I wanted to just kiss you then. God. It was so fun and I just loved the three of us together because you were a whole different person from advisory and class. You were like a normal kid who wanted to get shit done and to make it as good as it could be. I kept messing up Anna's shots because I would get lost in my thoughts thinking about how crazy it was that this was actually happening that I totally tuned her out. THEN enter stage left. A boy I think I had seen before but never in school. Flashback to April 20th. A kid walked up to me from behind complimenting my patches on my book bag. I thought nothing of it and I was surprised because I had never seen him before. Back to Anna's filming day three. He is there with his "friends?" And they are all talking about us two tables away and Anna is trying to not get them in the audio but their so loud that they are the only thing you can hear. I tell Anna that he's who I think the book bag kid was. She "ooos" me and you return. As we're getting one of my final coverage shots the un natural red head screams at me "hey what's your name" I responded confidently with my name. Anna said you looked sad when they continued to talk to me. You looked like a lost puppy as Anna and I say quite frequently. We filmed everything and we wrapped up for the day. I left without saying bye to the group. You walked down the street next to the LIRR and Anna and I freaked out walking down the main road. I kept seeing this new kid around in the morning and I kept freakin out. Eventually he started talking to me. He saw Jeffry and I shake hands so I guess he thought it was a thing I did. No. It's not. It's just a thing I do with Jeffry. Cuz Jeffry is Jeffry. He introduced himself and I was like. Cool i know his name now. So "no nose" talked to me during breakfast. I had no interest in him AT ALL. You were still the number one on my mind. No nose asked me out for ice cream on a Monday. I declined because I can't have ice cream. So he asked me to just walk around the park. Not being rude I accepted. I had anxiety the whole day. I told Anna near our lockers and I know you saw her reaction. She's loud. But so am I. So I went to the park with him. Awkward. I hated it. He scheduled us to go to a record store in Brooklyn. I did it (and still dont) know how to decline people so I said yes. Tuesday he was instagram dm-big me saying he wanted to give me something. I had a huge ass panic attack all throughout lunch and advisory. I tried to avoid him but of course he walked out of the room I was going into. You saw this go down and I wanted to die. He gave me his number and I put it in my pocket. I didn't dare open it till after Honors Production where your brother was helping us. I felt like I was betraying you but I still really liked you. I hope you know that. I eventually OPNES the paper on my way home from school and it said call me when you can. I texted him saying I couldn't talk, is it anything important. He said no I just wanted your number (eww. Gross. Go away) So I'm at home just scrolling on instagram and I was. Screen recording a video for Anna and all of a sudden I get a text from him saying that he liked me. I freaked out. Called all of my friends at he same time. Freaked out. And the only question they could ask was. What about Teal. And I kept saying it's teal for life. No nose for never. I friend zoned the shit out of him. On Wednesday's wanted to meet up and talk. I said no because I was having sushi with my friends. So I go home he tells me to call him. I call him. Hearing him through the phone made me want to strangle myself. He made sure we were still cool for Friday. I said yah like everything was okay. Throughout all of. Is I was applying for a new job with application after application. I also had to tell my boss that I wouldn't be able to work for two weeks which stressed me out so much. I was falling apart. I sucked all my shit up, went to Brooklyn with this kid and ignored/ iced him whenever he texted or talked to me. But he reason I don't talk to you that much is because I'm afraid to. I don't hate you and I don't think you like me and I don't feel the same way. Im afraid that your going to find out that i like you and shits gonna get weird between us. I'm also REALLY afraid what Edna would say about us together or not. Like go away. When the teacher said you schools cast me as the AD in your film and you said you were think about me, when you were staring at me while not being in character for Anna's film, when you moved tables, chairs and people for Anna's film, that day where we were filming for Mays project and you started playing the guitar,and every time you have made me laugh, my endearment for you grows and grows. So thank you for getting me through freshman year and I wish we were in the same block this year. Enjoy asking Anna for the homework.❤️
Sincerely,
Kasey