Unsure

Of Fucking Course

Setting: Jackie sits across the table from her absent mother who, after being gone her whole life, decides to reach out on the brink of her eighteenth birthday.  This is a monologue of all her emotions. The woman across from her is silent for these purposes.

Jackie: “I’m frustrated with my very being. I know I shouldn’t see you, that I am self-destructive and depressed and looking for a parental figure, when mine have failed me. I can process this logically knowing you bring nothing but drama to my life yet I can’t help feeling like I need to talk to you to better understand your reasons for leaving or myself, maybe I just need to yell at you. Whatever it is I am compelled to see you. I spent so many years of my life insisting that I was just like you, because if I couldn’t avoid pushed into the roles of one of my parents I would rather it be yours. Anytime I was told I looked like my father, I responded that I always thought I was a carbon copy of my mom. I worry I will be like you; going nowhere surrounded by children. While on the subject of children, I can’t help but be jealous. It may seem insane. Honestly though, you had your children taken away and instead of doing everything you could to get them back, you decided to forget about them and just have more. How should I react to that, do you want me to just be thankful that you contacted me? Should I be begging on my knees for any kind of affection you decide to lay at my feet? It pisses me off that you act like you understand everything about me, when you don't. I haven't seen you in over ten years and to be honest I didn’t really miss you. I just wanted to understand what caused you to fuck up so badly! I also wanted to know what kind of mom you are now. Do you bake your kids cookies, do you go to all their activities? It sounds horrible, but why do they deserve that, what was so wrong with me that you thought I was so forgettable? I feel lost at this point in my life, and you make me feel worthless. Somehow you still sink into my head. I hate that I feel that I need you to help me find some kind of direction. Like you have a map to all the answers in the world. I don’t know, everyone says you’ll just add problems to my life, yet I want what everyone else got. Don't I deserve that at this point in my life? Really I think you would find that I’m a bad influence, and protect your real children from become like your first try. I don't know what I thought I’d get out of this, I still hate you too much to really gain anything from this conversation.”

Jackie moves her chair out, gets up and walks out of the door, leaving a shell shocked mother in her dust. She doesn’t look back, not once. This is her past and she has to move forward. That’s the only way she will ever find any kind of direction in her life. She’s going to find her own way without anyone's influence.  

THE END