Words left Unsaid.

1.

I always wonder how it feels like dying not the type of between life and death. What I mean is when you just feel like you're not doing something and all of the things that you can relate to your self is unmoving and nothing.

Every time when I'm sad and it hurts to the point that I want to believe that I'm just sad when the truth it's more than sad. I'm sadder than sad, do I making sense? I don't know I just want to know what the things or how much pain that trigger those people to just ended their life, their pain in just one day without anyone knowing.

Because when I'm sadder than sad, when I don't know why I keep on breathing. That all of the things that I made was just added to pain and even there's a lot of fights in my head and those little voice in me keeps on telling me to end it. So I won't feel unwanted and unlove anymore. I just can't end it, maybe because I'm too coward to that. I don't have that strength to get the rope and hang myself. All I can do is to scream in my head and cry silently under my pillow and hoping that it will end soon. 

Yesterday one of my friend Felice told me that she have an highschool friend who commit suicide and her friend name is Mayla.

According to Felice, Mayla is a nice girl and love making jokes. That's why they're all surprise when they heard that she die.

Mayla hang herself in her own room using a wire that she brought. She even inform her mom that she needed that wire to make a project for school but it was a lie because she has different used in that wire.

The night that Mayla brought that wire her mom found her dead unmoving in the ceiling of her own room.

"Can you imagine that?" Lara commented after Felice share the story again about Mayla.

"Actually, I still can't believe that she can do that." Felice answered

"Do you have any recent conversation with her before she commit suicide?" Lara asked

Felice look at me before turning to Lara to answer her question

"I don't know, I can't remember but I stalked her accounts and she doesn't have any past post about her dealing with depression. Actually her last post is about this arcade that she wants to go because it has big discount." Felice explained

I look at Lara and we both sending weird faces.

Maybe she's just like me.
Or maybe she's just braver to end her pain.

She's sad but or should I say she's more than that. She thinks that if she will open up to someone about the fights in her head people will only judge her. So she keep everything as a secret, she tried to smile when the truth is it was killing her inside.

and it killed her.