she hurts me. she hurts me all of the time. i try not to let her cold words in. she isn't supposed to have this effect on me. i thought that i had blocked her out. out from my life, out from my heart. Why does she do this to me. does it bring her pleasure, did it amuse her to see me resent myself all of those years. why can't someone see that i need saving. i am in a world where at times there is no one and at others there is everyone.
How can I feel responsible for everyone when i feel that i have no control. i felt my youth slip away so long ago that i can't remeber what it feels like to be wild and free.
Am i really invisable? does know one see that i am still a scared little girl. The big world scares me yet so long ago i feel that it was thrust upon me by the two people on the planet that are supposed to give a shit.
I have been left behind many times. I am invisible to thoose who see me. And i am an enigma as well as a stranger to thoose who carry such a fresh eye that they can see through my mask.
I myself have two sides. Each one vast and i don't know its full potential, niether good or bad, right, wrong, light or dark. Just strong. but if someone were to try to see though my mask and then to try and to actually SEE ME surly their head might explode.
She has hurt me so much that the pain is fleeting and i slip into a dull emotional coma. all i can feel is my false default of happiness. But along with this happiness is the nagging feeling that i should be sad and that something is enternally wrong. I should be morning the loss of yet another chip of my soul. lost to the sadness that i can never escape.
I suppose along with being invisible i am also hidding. I am hidding from the people who want to sit me in a room and ask me how she hurts me. How her words rip through me like a sharp knife yet leave hardly a mark and yet a bloody mess. but i can't tell them. i don't want pitty. i don't know what i want.
But thoose rare occasions that i don't hide and i am truly open, i am ashamed. I am ashamed of my hiddiousness and my vaulnerability. Then i either avoid it or numbly push through it. Ignoring the emotion that she bestowes on me.
