Time to Go

Why am I still here?

Why am I still here?

I wonder to myself as I finally collapse onto my bed, but not before looking around at my tiny one bedroom studio that isn't worth what I'm forced to pay for it. I close my eyes and I can still see the red and blue lights of the cop cars that showed up. They took their time walking around, looking up and down the aisles at the 7-11. I was forced to show them the video footage in the back room and rewatch how I so willingly complied with the orders of the two men. One cop gave me a long  once-over, most likely debating whether I was a part of the scheme.

I felt dizzy and had to sit down. 

All I wanted on my drive back was to bury myself under the covers of my tiny twin bed. But now that I lay in it, in the middle of my crappy little studio, in the middle of Nowhere, Illinois, I could barely even stand it.

What was I still doing here, working a dead-end job at 24, barely able to pay my rent and still live a reasonable lifestyle. My friends are shitty, the guy I'm seeing is undoubtably sleeping with other girls, and I just sit there and do nothing about it. 

What happened?

Life seemed so bright back in high school. But then everything went down, and I dropped out of college, moved back home, fell into hanging out with the people from high school that never even bothered to try getting out of town. And I became one of them. Not one of the ones that were too scared to try, but one of the ones that were too scared to try again.

I was sick of it.

It was then and there that I decided I was never going back to that 7-11, not even to fill my gas tank. 

I was done with it, and the relief that swept over my body in a cool and refreshing wave was hypnotizing. Why stop at just my job? Why not move out of the god damn apartment while I'm at it, pack up my few belongings and find a cheaper place? 

And if there are no places around here... Then why not go somewhere else. It's not like there were any real people holding me here. In fact, I think I would be relieved not to deal with any of the people in this town ever again.

But where?

I rolled over in my bed and hugged one of the flat pillows to my chest. My mind was already running through a list of places I've always wanted to go. 

But one stood out farther than all the rest.

China.

In another life, when I was still in contact with my family, my great aunt and uncle owned a school in rural China. They would talk on for hours about all the different places to visit, mountains to climb, people to befriend. As a child, China seemed like a millennium away, a land that only existed in fairytales. 

But more than anything, China was the opposite of here. The opposite side of the world. The opposite of everything I am and I know. 

I rolled back over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling, not quite believing my own thoughts.

What this it? Was I really just going to change my life like that?

I pushed myself up, looking over at my chunky computer plugged into the wall. $6000. I had just about $6000 saved up in my account, waiting for the day I decided to return to college. 

Ha. Screw that. Who really needs college? The majority of the people I knew go to college, party, learn absolutely nothing, and then owe the rest of their life to the government in a dead end job with a dead end spouse and lame dead end kids. 

I know; says the 24 year old working at 7-11. Well, no more.

I shoved the covers off my bed and walked over the my computer, setting my butt on the floor right in front of it. 

"Time to go," I muttered to myself, lightly smiling.