Going through the Motions

Dear Diary,

07/06/14

I'm sorry for who I've become... I hate myself... I know you all love me but it's so hard. I am afraid of myself, I'm scared of the darkness and the silence. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because without the tears my brain will not shut off. I am in a constant battle with myself. I want so badly to "suck it up" or "pull on my big girl panties" but I FUCKING can't... This is how I let out my anger, and that all starts today.

With love and will power,

-Lilly

As I closed the private blog I had just created I turned on my Mariana's Trench playlist and lay in bed curling up in the sheets. I let the soothing words of Feeling Small carry me to sleep. No tears shall bringing me to sleep tonight. Something was different, for some odd reason I felt like every thing was going to change for the better. Those were the last things I thought as I went into a deep sleep. "Honey?" Was I hearing my mothers voice? Also, was she sober? ''Ehh? Ma?'' I said sleepily. "Hi,baby girl..." She said as she stroked my hair, tears streaming down her once happy face. I hopped up as fast as I could, worried for my mother. ''Mom? Whats wrong? Do you owe someone money again? Are you hurt?!?!'' Holding my mom as tight as I could. My mom has a gambling problem along with a drinking one, and she is very good at getting herself in way too deep. "Lilly I did something very bad... and I have to get what was promised done or I'm dead..." My mother said, fear apparent in her voice. "I'll fix it mom. I always do, just tell me how much money I need to save and how long I have to get it. I have a few hundred here now but I also have dad's life insurance money if we need that too." I said as I grabbed my mother for another hug. But she pulled away... I was so confused. "It's not money they want... I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing honey! I signed the papers and they come for you today! I never meant for something like this to happen to you... I lost your dad and now I'm losing you. Baby girl I'm so fucking sorry! I love you so mu... " Her words were muffled as I pulled her in close, holding her. I can't watch her cry it just makes me think back to the day dad died... I promised her that day I would fix it all, and I'd protect her. "Calm down mom, tell me what I need to know and I'll do it." I said the words so firm it scared me a little, but she needed that. "They want you to move in with them... I have no clue what they will do with you to pay off my debt... Hun I am so sorry! All I know is the Smith family wants you and they will be here at 3 p.m. to take you way from me." I just sat there thinking... Will they make me their slave or toy? Maid? I really don't know and it scared the shit out of me, but I could not let my mom see that so I stood up and saw that it was already 2:45 p.m. So I grabbed a purse and shoved my iPod, head phones, laptop, and notebooks in it, then grabbed my suit case and got all my clothes in there, and lastly, I picked up the locket sitting on my nightstand. It had a picture of my mom and dad smiling in it, that was all I needed. By the time I was done it was already three. My mother was still just sitting on my bed crying, but now I cannot help her unless I leave her. I walked downstairs with the bag and suit case. As I hit the bottom step, the door bell rang... My heart was beating out of my chest as I walked to the door. I opened the door and to my surprise a guy looking to be around my age was there.

"Hi, umm... Do you need something?'' I asked confused as to who this guy could be.

"Hello, I'm Jakson. Jakson Smith. I'm here to take you home." So simple and so blunt but I'm not complaining, it could have been worse. "Oh! okay ugh.. '' I just grabbed my bags and walked to the car parked in the driveway, I pulled up to the back of the black four door waiting for him to open the trunk, which he did with no hesitation. So I walked to the passenger side door and slid into the seat, I watched as he got into the drivers seat and I pulled out my iPod and headphones. But as I went to place the buds in my ears Jakson placed his hand on mine saying "Please don't..." He had something in his eyes, like anguish... So I placed my iPod back into my bag and smiled at him. I don't know why but I felt he needed to see me smile.