Okay

I am okay. I keep myself productive and stay at ease. I am happy. My life goes on as usual, nothing out of the ordinary. I am calm. I know what I can do, there are no limits to all of the possibilities.

But every so often, my thoughts drift off and navigate their way into an abyss of darkness, a city of shadows. My mind is drowned in the gloom like when a cloud is blocking the sun.

I question my own opinion. Am I okay? Or do I just tell myself that? Am I happy? Or am I just creating an illusion to hide myself from the truth? Am I calm? Or do I just keep all of my chaotic emotions locked up inside of a safe so that they grow at a constant rate?

At this point in time, I stop asking myself these questions and I begin to answer them. By now, not only is my mind clouded, but my heart is at an eclipse as well.

I am not okay. I persuade myself into believing that I am fine, that things are fine when they're not, when I'm not. I only keep myself productive as an attempt to ignore, to block my feelings. The good, positive emotions are blocked, too, yet the negative, hurting feelings manage to escape. To bystanders, my life may seem to be average, mediocre even, but inside, my heart and mind are a warzone. Chaos is in control. I am the opposite of calm. Sudden urges to punch something, to have spontaneous sobbing fits, and to just curl up into a fetus position threaten to occur in physical form, not just emotionally or mentally. My emotions are running wild and they are unpredictable. I know deep inside that I have limits. I think of all of the missed possibilities and opportunities.

I stay like this until I become too weak to continue on. I have to accept it. I have to accept everything.

I may be okay now. I may be happy at the moment. I may be calm. But I am more sensitive, I hurt more easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve so that I can constantly check to see if it's okay. I am more fragile. Small reminders only crush me a little bit more inside. But I will be okay.

I am okay.