I'm sorry.. My suicide.

I'm Already Gone

I hated myself, more than anyone could ever hate themselves. I have too many issues, too many walls, too many insecurities. I tried, before my dad died I met this great guy. He showed me love, what fairytales brought to movies. It was magical, all of it. Shortly after my dad died, I didn't know him long. See I never for fit into my family, i always felt that I didn't belong, and I didn't. My mom told me who he was at 13, pretty cool guy, had a whole bunch of kids, and he was hispanic, which explained A LOT. He was my other half, the one who understood and actually made me feel like I fit in for once. Then Febuary 19th came, the big news, he died.. from liver cancer. I wasn't able to see him, go to his funeral, or spread his ashes. My sister, his other daughter killed herself a few weeks later, my boyfriend at the time was there for me through all of it. Ha, I loved him. A few years later, an egagement, a miscarriage, and a lot of hard work, we broke up. It was the worse day of my life, a month later I tried killing myself. I took bottles of pills, I couldn't breathe, I said my goodbyes, and could feel everything slowly shit down. My best friend called the cops and my mom and she rushed me to the hospital after sticking her hand down my throat. He broke my heart and I didn't want it anymore. I was in a coma for weeks and after that I moved to Virginia. It took me a year and a half to get better. I built walls, and stood my ground, guys weren't worth anything but sloppy sex. I eventually moved back to Virginia where shortly I fell for this boy. I was 20 he was 18, he was so charming and romantic at first. He broke down every wall I had with confidence. I believed he was the one, maybe he wasn't like everyone else, and I wasn't wrong. I fell so in love with him, I trusted him more than I trusted myself. I wanted nothing more than to have a future with him, to have a family, to have happiness for once in my life. I have it all up for him, my friends who didn't like him I ditched. My family I stopped listening to, everyone who tried to show me, i pushed away. It hasn't been easy, we fight, he s cheated, and lied to me. He came up with this poloygomy relationship between me and his first baby mama. I began to trust her, become her friend, and grew some feelings that I felt were wrong. I put all my morals aside, I put the fact he cheats on me with her aside, I put our fighting aside, his disloyalty. I put everything aside and have in, one night everything changed. He had slowly been tearing away at me from the beginning, but that night he tore me up and scattered me around him. I let him cheat on me, yes... LET him. I found out in May, a few weeks before his birthday I was having his baby, and before this event we found out the baby was a he. I couldn't even enjoy that day, I let her come along cause I was her friend and felt something for her, I kid you not I looked like a surrogant, like I'm not even his mother. We walked out and his first comment was "you're next" stated to his ex. That broke me a little more, but this one weekend we were sent to watch his parents house. His baby mama did too, even though told not to stay the night she did, but I had no say. I get beaten down by both of them, i try not to fight back, it's not really worth it cause I'll just be the bad guy. I opened up to them and they use everything against me. Saturday night over that weekend, he told me he wanted to go further with just feelings, I didn't feel comfortable... He he told me he'd make me leave or wait till I was asleep so I just went outside, I waited and watched them go to the room. My heart shattered, my body melted on the porch, my mind went blank. I couldn't see anything, I couldnt breathe, I put so much trust into something and I watched it as it happened... I waited 20 minutes, I knew the back door was unlocked, i could be went inside to stop it, I could be killed both of them, but I didnt have the heart to. I loved him, but he loved her more. I always knew he did, and it kills me everyday. I'm having his son soon, I'm pushing him to do better, I'm trying for us and all he cares about is the poloygomy relationship. I'm putting his son up for adoption, I suffer from really bad depression, and most likely so will my son. I can't live like this, my family has gotten used to the idea of me not being alive, and so have my friends. I'm sorry I was never good enough, no matter what I did for anyone, no matter how hard I tried. I'm sorry that I have to tell my mom the life she gave me I don't want. I'm sorry I can't stop suffering from this illness, especially when I don't want it.. I'm just so sorry that my only option left is this.