#speakyourself

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My name is Arin Haque.

I'm a Bengali.

I'm a girl.

I'm now 12 years old.

I live in Bangladesh, Dhaka.

[Warning long chapter ahead]

All throughout my life I have been through difficulties, pain and that caused me depression.

There were times when I felt like I was worthless, useless. I used to think I was the reason of many bad things happening around me.

There were times when I felt nothing, I felt empty, I felt like dying.

I used to cut myself. There were marks on my body.

My parents divorced when I was only 5-6 years of age. I was young, too young to understand what was happening around me.

My dad used to beat me and my mom, he was abusive towards her and me. The worst, he thought I wasn't his daughter. Because of this one assumption, he started hating my mom and me.

After the divorce, my mom and I shifted to my mom's house, my mom was the only child of my grandparents. My mom started working, everything was fine. Everything looked fine.

I wasn't fine, my mom wasn't fine.

I always thought why my parents divorced? I saw them fighting, but don't every couple fight? All couples fight but they don't divorce each other. Then why did my parents divorced? When I was young, this is what I had going in my mind.

3 years back from now, I was 9. When I started taking things differently, in a different way. I never stopped thinking about why my parents divorced, when I was 9 I started thinking that I was the reason for that happened. Why my father used to beat my mom, why my mom used to cry every night, why parents divorced. I started thinking I was the reason.

So I started hating myself. So I started cutting myself. So I started to get lost in the dark. Depression.

My grandfather died that year. The worst day of my life. I lost someone dear to me. I knew this would happen one day but I also knew that I would never be ready for this to happen.

For 1 long year, I suffered through depression. My mom and grandma never knew about my depression, because I was always showing them my best side. No one was there to help me because I never let anyone know why I needed help.

I was bullied in school, by seniors. I thought of my seniors as devils, monsters. But when I was 10, I got to meet an angel. She was also my senior, but she never bullied me.

I don't know how, but somehow she knew I needed help.

She was nice to me, but I wasn't. She tried to be friends with me, I pushed her away. But she didn't go away. She saved me from my bullies but I was still scared of her as she was also my senior and from the same class as my bullies.

Everyday, she would come and try to make me smile, she would make me feel that I wasn't alone. I knew she was trying to help but I didn't want to accept that. Everyday, she would try but all I did was saying that she was annoying and pushing her away, all I did was distancing myself from the one who could heal me.

But it was as if she could read my mind, as if she was ready to do anything for me even when she didn't know me. It's not like I never noticed her, I did. She was really an angel. Bringing a smile on people's face, making other people happy. She is one loving and caring person. It was as if she was happiness herself. She never hurts anyone, she only makes people happy, even the people who hurt her.