Forever Lost In The Dark....

I'm Fine. Perfect

A/N. So before you start reading, this has kind of a different vibe to it, I guess it's more a short story than poetry. I don't even know, I kinda just wrote it while I couldn't sleep and I were talking to this boy I think I love, but I know doesn't love me, so I don't even know if it makes sense. This brifly mentions suicede and self - harm as usual, so if you're triggered by those themes you probably shouldn't read this. So enjoy my rambling thoughts I guess?

can't sleep? he asks, obviously not expecting a reply at this hour, knowing that I'm usually asleep by now.

I hesitate, my fingers hovering over the keyboard on my phone. No. My room is too cold and the bed's too empty. I reply quickly proceeding to lock my phone at the same speed, not wanting to look at the reply too long. It doesn't take long before my phone lights up the dark room signalling that I have received a new message. It's him of course. Another message ticks in as well, this time from one of my girlfriends.

Of course, you are. My room's cold as well, but my window is open though. I'm sorry, but I live too far away to sleep at yours. He replies, obviously accepting my weak answer, and I'm touched for a minute, seeing as he is remembering that I am cold all the time, and that sometimes I can't sleep because my big bed feels too empty for just me to sleep in, even though I love sleeping alone. I especially hate sleeping next to him. He's always too still, seeming almost dead in his comatose state. So, I never sleep next to him, even though I wish I could.

Then I feel guilty because I am lying to him, the man I never really lie to. Is there one person I trust in the world it is him. He has never once judged me, and he is always there if I need to talk to someone, and he always gets mad if I lie about how I'm feeling. But he hasn't been here for months, so I don't know if I have the right anymore

Because the truth is that it isn't that my room is cold or that my bed is empty. I can't sleep because my head is full, and I don't know what to do this time. I can't sleep because all I can think about is self - harm and suicide, and the thoughts won't leave. I think about doing it and I'm scared of how little the thought frightens me. I know I won't do it though, I would never. I have a mother, father, brothers, a sister, grandparents that would be hurt and mad and sad and everything in between if I were to do it. My mum doesn't really have anyone else but me, so I would never actually go through with it, but the thoughts won't leave. They're always there, some days they are louder than others. Especially now, because I think I am depressed again, but I can't tell anyone, because I am supposed to be fine. I'm fine. Perfect.

He's joking now, about how I think he sleeps weird, and how I need to start letting him know before he falls asleep so that he can perhaps move to a different position so that I can sleep next to him. I pretend to laugh, but I don't feel anything, as usual. I'm glad we're texting and not speaking on the phone, because I can pretend that everything is fine. I'm fine. Perfect.