the hate you get

him

a/n hi everyone, enjoying the story so far? yes ! well that's good, i am going to complete this story in a series of stories. involving things that have actually happened to me. i will be using no real names in this at all. shocker right! so here we go. 

october 4 2006

9:03 pm 

my plan was to go over my cousins house tonight so my boyfriend could meet me over there. he got all excited because he was expecting it to actually happen. this was around 8:40. the time is very important here, you will see why. my aunt had dropped my younger cousin off at my house so that we could watch her while my mom and her could go out to a comedy show. my mom got mad at me for asking her if we all could go over there. we all being me, my brother, and my older cousin. but if we wouldve went we wouldve been leaving my dad at home with my younger sibling, both under the age of 16 months. she basically called me selfish, so i stayed home. one of my younger siblings can walk, he was walking beside of one of our dinning room chairs and fell. he accidentally hit his head on the bottom of the chair. my dad yelled at me because my goal in life is to,'' sit back and do nothing, while life just happens all around me."  he has a real funny way of dealing with shit when it goes wrong. he blames everyone else but himself. that shit gets old REAL fast. 

9:40pm

why would you tell me that expecting me to have no reaction? that shows me excatlly how much you don't care about how your words effect me. you said it. you actually said it. and when i asked you if you were joking you said, '' i'm thinking about doing it.'' that is not funny. this may be a joke to you but its not to me. that shit is serious. and it seriously wasn't fucking a joke to me when you said it. 

10:10pm

i am currently sitting at the bottom of my steps out side crying my eyes out. i cant stop crying. i feel like my heart is broken. my actual heart hurts so fucking bad i don't even know what to do. he told me he was going to kill his self. and there was nothing i could do about it. i cant drive to him because i don't have my license. 

10:15pm

i called my best friend crying. in tears. trying to catch my breath. she told me he wasn't actually going to do it. that didn't help. it only made me sadder. you. do. not. tell. some. you want to die if you don't actually mean it. you do not say it for shits and giggles. its not fucking funny and its not a fucking joke. 

10:30pm

i called him, while crying. he asked me if i was okay. he told me everything changed for him once he realized how much it effected me. i kept muting the phone so that he couldn't hear my voice or me crying. i said ," you cant just say things and expect me not to have a reaction. i am a human with human feeling. and even tho i might not show it all the time, what you say hurts me. a lot. you told me you wanted to die and that you were going to kill yourself and you expected me to have no reaction. what did you expect me to say, okay? i'm fine with that? no! you're my best friend, and i love you more than words can say." you dont tell someone you want to die and expect them not to have any reaction at all. i have , myself, wanted to die before. i know what it feels like to not be wanted or loved. it really fucking sucks. but him? when we were on the phone together i heard his parents calling his name and asking him if he was okay. they checked at least three times, and we had only been on the phone thirty minutes.

12:30pm

i had to give myself some time to cool down and stop crying before i could write this. i was sitting out side in the dark crying and no one noticed. or no one cared to come look and see if i was okay. i got no calls. i got no texts. no one came to look for me. nothing to show me that anyone gave a damn about me or about my life. but people care about him. a lot of people care about him and they always want to make sure hes doing okay. and i just honestly cant say the same about myself. he told me he was going to hill himself and i actually thought i was going to die. i left my kitchen, walked down the steps, and just sat down and let it all out. i cried and cried and cried and cried. i thought about walking to his house, to make sure he was okay. i started to not be able to catch my breath. my vision was going away and i was losing feeling in my arms, they just felt numb. i thought i was going to pass out at the bottom of the steps, and some druggie would come pick me up and take me. he really thought that him saying he was going to kill his self wast going to effect me at all. he has said it before and it effected me then too, but not as much as it did this time. when you say i'm going to kill myself, i would be better off dead, it makes who ever you're talking to feel like complete shit because they feel like a failure. they cant be good enough for you. they aren't good enough to make you happy enough to want to live. and it really sucks for them. i have been in that position before and i have no fucking idea how i managed to get myself into it again. 

1:01am

this is by far the worst night ever but you know what i didn't do, i didn't hurt myself in anyway, i didn't smoke a cigarette. and i am still alive. this would've been a different story if i would've been inside, but i was outside and that is the reason i am okay now.