** TRIGGER WARNING**
** DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SELF HARM **
Ray’s POV
“Ray, we need to record.” Michael’s brown eyes stared directly into mine, triggering something familiar.
The panic began welling up inside of me, and I knew I needed to get out. “Uhm… Yeah su-sure… just give me a min-minute.” I stumbled with the words, and sprinted out of the room the moment they had escaped my lips.
I weaved through desks and chairs through-out the office, looking for somewhere I could hide. Each room I passed seemed to have someone in it, and I grew more frantic as the minutes passed. Finally, I reached the bathroom, a single roomed one that I could lock the door, and finally be in private. I threw the door open, and slammed it shut once inside, not even bothering to turn on the light.
My arms shook as I backed up to the now closed bathroom door, and slowly began to slide down it, meeting the floor painfully with my rear end. This was really happening. Each breathe took an enormous effort, and came out erratic, heavy. Closing my lids, I tried to begin to calm myself down, but staring at the black through my lids only fuelled the clenching of my stomach.
With a mind of their own, my fingers felt in the darkness of the room for the small packaging of my gum. At least that’s what everyone thought it to be. Streaks of light shone through the bottom of the door, a reminder of the outside world. I began to try and slow my breathing, worried someone would hear my attack, and find me. Reaching into my back pocket, I felt the plastic of a gum package on my fingertips, and whipped it out. I slowly began to open the package, revealing a silver razor, which glinted in the dim light, and even as I touched the cold metal, a sense of calm washed through me.
Razor in hand, I lay on the office’s cold bathroom floor, contemplating dragging the sharp object along my wrist. My day’s events flooded through my mind, sending a sharp, sudden clench through my gut.
I remembered sitting alone, in the Achievement Hunter office, while the rest of the guys went out to lunch. I wasn’t invited of course. They never invited me out anymore, giving up after decline after decline. This started out as just worrying too much, I never expected it to get this far, full blown panic attacks. I need help.
No, I remind myself. This is your problem, your secret, and you’ll deal with it on your own.
Taking a deep breath, I brought the metal up to my wrist, and dug it into the skin. I want these cuts to be deep, deep enough for me to feel alive again. Slicing through my skin, I watched, mesmerized as the cut turned from a pink-ish white hue slowly into crimson red. Bubbling up through the cut, I didn’t bother to wipe the sticky red fluid away, allowing it to slowly drip down off my arm. A large drop of the blood ran unto my jeans, and it took me a couple of seconds to realize the damage I had done.
“Shit,” I cursed too loudly, immediately regretting it. I heard footsteps outside of the bathroom door, and I had no way of hiding my battle wound. I stood up, backing farther into the small room, liking for anything to hide myself.
I watched as the silver door knob turned, and swung open wide, light flooding through and illuminating the once dark room. Gavin stood in the doorway; crevices on his face emphasized by the shadows, who had found somewhere to hide from its predator, the light. I stood in shock, and fear, there was no escaping this mess.
“What happe-“He began, and then suddenly realized the amount of blood dripping from my arm, stopped dead in the middle of his sentence.
His jaw hung slightly ajar, and his eyes showed panic. I backed up farther into the bathroom, until my back hit the opposite wall, it was cool, and sent shivers down my spine. At almost the same time, both our eyes darted towards my razor, which I had left, bloody and crimson red in the middle of the room. Just as Gavin took a step towards the object, I dove onto the floor, and grabbing it, and cradling it towards my chest.
“Hey, what’s wrong guys?” Geoff and Barbra walked across the cluttered office until the bathroom floor, where I was currently sprawled out on, came into view. Just as it did, they both stopped dead in their tracks. Barbra’s gasp could be heard in the now silent office, and all eyes were on me.
“Jesus Christ, Ray…” Geoff was the first one to speak after what seemed like hours of an uncomfortable silence.
He took long stride towards me, and swiftly kneelt on ground, swung my good arm around his shoulder, and began the walk back to the Achievement Hunter office. Gavin and Barbra followed his lead, walking beside the two of us. My face burned from shame and embarrassment, as we weaved in and out of desks and people, and I looked to the ground. This was awful.
Reaching the open door of the AH office, Geoff lowered my down into one of the office chairs, and I slumped into it, exhausted from what had just taken place. Barbra and Gavin remained standing, although at opposite sides of the room, while Geoff sat down in a chair next to me. I starred so intently into the ground, that I’m surprised I hadn’t burned holes into the carpet.
A tear escaped from my now watering eyes, and dripped down my cheek. Bringing my hand up to wipe the salty fluid away, I flashed Barbra and Geoff the razor that still sat neatly in my hand, making them wince as if I had slashed them. Sighing, I brought my arm down awkwardly, not knowing how to begin.
“I…” I tried to start, my three co-workers waited patiently for my explanation. “I’m sorry.” I finally sputtered, the tears now streamed freely down my face.
“This isn’t your fault at all, Ray.” Barbra spoke softly, as if she were afraid to shatter the air around her. In her defense, it was thick, almost felt like you were trying to move through molasses whenever you spoke.
"I swear, I'm just trying to cope.." I tried my best to make sense of my actions for my friends, but once i said it out loud I knew they couldn't ever fully understand.
Suddenly, a small squeak was made from Gavin’s end of the room, and we all turned to see tears also streaming down his face. Geoff got up and clumsily swung an arm around Gavin, and the other around Barbra, the three crouched down to my level, and all embraced. My arm burned from the sudden heat and pressure, but just as quickly as it came, the pain dissipated. My stomach began to unclench, and my body began to relax.
“We’re all going to help you get through this, buddy.” Geoff mumbled. “You have friends, and we’re here for you.” I smiled into Gavin’s chest, who was now hugging my tighter than ever, and gave a sigh of relief.
THE END
********************************
Okay, so I kinda deleted my last fanfic because I read it the next morning, and it was a MESS. I admit it was probably one of the worst things I had written in a long time.
This Angst type stuff has always been a comfort zone for me, so I decide to write this as my first fanfic, just to learn the ropes. I only plan this to be a one-shot, and I’m kinda satisfied with it.
Please comment and favourite if you liked the story, this is technically my first one and I’m really worried. I don’t even know if I’m any good at writing. Some constructive criticism would be much appreciated. THANK YOU.
********************************
-alexxxii
YOU ARE READING
Trying to Cope
Fanfiction**TRIGGER WARNING** Ray has a secret he's desperate been trying to keep just that, a secret. But after a slip up in the office, how will the others react to it, and will he be able to handle them knowing. One-shot. I don't know I suck at description...
