So many times I've wished i could go back. So many times I've wished it had never happened. So many times I've hated myself forever for something he forgave me for in an instant like he didn't care because he knew it would happen again. The saying: once a cheater always a cheater applies directly to my soul. My soul is like a car constantly caught in a round-about. Doing the same mistakes over and over, again and again waiting for someone to give me an opening without success. I'm trapped in my own relentless cycle of pain and I'm just dragging him with me. dragging him behind my truck by his neck. So many times I've broken and beaten him to the point of death but he bounces back at the last second. just as i think I'm going to lose him hes back with a vengeance and strength unimaginable. a force so strong his body can hardly contain it. I'm just a girl he says: One that has her own plate full.. one that can barley stand herself, how do you expect to love him when you don't love yourself? How do you love someone else when your own heart is so full of hatred for yourself that there's barley enough space in the black cavity for any other emotion. I tell myself: you make do with what your given, and what i was given was the ability to only hurt the ones i loved. I can only scare them because that's all my body is capable of. nothing hurts more than watching the one thing that brings you complete happiness slowly die in your arms because your kiss is poison and hes drunk off your toxin. you want so bad to push him away and let him be free but he always bounces back he constantly begs you to be happy. but what do you say when you know he makes you happy? what do you say when your killing him? what do you say when all you want is to die in his arms, make like Romeo and Juliet and take a life for love and set the world free... so many times I've tried to fix myself and failed because my body is only capable of pain...
