Bratayay's Announcements and Rants

Blog(ish) Post: 10-02-18

heyo guys, long time no see...

who's ready for another part in this "book" where i explain myself and not updating?! cause that's what this is!

a lot, and i mean a lot, has been going in my life lately, and not a lot of positive things, really, so if you're all interested in tea and an insight to my life, here ya go:

so this summer wasn't too bad, it was actually one of the better ones i had. i was in a relationship for most of the summer and was really happy with him and happy with my life and my friends and everything for once, which is really hard for me. it's never been easy for me to make friends or to truly have somebody, especially one particular person, make me wake up with a smile on my face, and that's how it was for me. i switched to a new instrument in marching band and i love it, i was just really happy.

but right before school started, things just went downhill again for me.

as cliché as it may sound since "i'm only 15" and i "don't know anything about 'love'", i was in love with him. i really truly love him with all my heart and would give him the world and anything he asked for if i could, but i guess the way our relationship was going wasn't enough for him. i constantly wonder and basically pity myself and ask myself what i did wrong and blame for myself for everything when i know i shouldn't but i do. i was, and still are, heartbroken. he was the first person i ever loved, and i still do love him, so that's what makes it harder to see him with this other girl, who i feel like kinda helped lead us to the end of our relationship.

this girl was dating my friend and started flirting with my then boyfriend in front of me the legit first day she met him. i didn't want to be mean or act all jealous tho so i was still nice to her (especially since we're in the same section in marching band), but he let her flirt with him which annoyed me, so i told him how i felt about it and he assured me nothing was going on. but then a couple weeks later he broke up with me, and less than a month later he started dating her. he told me it was to get over me and that he's not really into her and he still has feelings for me, but basically doesn't think it's the right timing.

basically he's making me feel stuck in this endless loop of "he loves me, he loves me not". i don't know what he wants from me. he doesn't want me to wait for him because he knows it's not fair, my friends tell me to leave him, to just get over him, to just act like he doesn't exist basically but how i can do that when we agreed to stay best friends after the breakup and i still love him? everything and everyone is telling me to move on, but my heart doesn't want to let go and i'm just sitting here in this mentally exhausting struggle of my heart waiting for him, but my head telling me to move on. at this point i just don't know what to do anymore, because i feel like this is never going to end, this heartbreak, this longing for the past, me not being able to let go. i feel stupid, i don't want to talk to anyone about this because i know they'll see me as a stupid girl who wants to be with the wrong person. but it doesn't feel wrong to me, you know? i feel like someway somehow he's going to be in my life for a long time, whether as just a friend or something more, i don't know. i just don't know.

and on top of all that, i haven't been able to get any insulin pump or CGM supplies for a month, and i depend on that so much for my diabetes care. basically without it, i'm just so lazy and bad at taking care of myself that i'm probably slowly killing myself, and part of me doesn't care anymore. i can feel my mental health state slowly slipping away from me again and i just don't care about myself anymore. it sucks and i try to hide behind a smile and pretend that i'm okay but sometimes i'm just tired of pretending. but i also feel like people don't care, or that maybe they care too much, and i don't like to be hovered. so i just tell them i'm fine and push them away, and maybe i shouldn't but it's what i do.

so long story short, august up until now i haven't been okay physically and mentally. i just want to be happy again, but i don't know how or what to do. i don't feel like myself anymore. i don't feel like the same girl who wrote stories for you guys, who would log on daily just to update a story. i want to write, but when i log on, i just log right back off. i frown at my stories and my plans and drafts and just shake my head and think it isn't good enough and i just leave it there. instead i pity myself, or i do my homework or go to marching band or just watch youtube and netflix and try to distract myself from my mind and my pain because it can be so overwhelming.

so i'm sorry that i haven't been active, that i haven't been writing. i want to try and get back into that, but i think i need to work on myself first. i need to try to get back into the mindset and try to write like i used to, but i know i've changed as a person. i'm not the same girl as i was before, so i might just delete my stories, or rewrite them, or just leave them and start something new. idk yet. but i hope you all have been well, and i hope to see you all soon. love you ❤️