To Be, Or Not To Be.

The Trigger. (September2018)

3 is the "magic number" and I believe you should always try, try, and try again, but then what...

What after you've tried 3 times, is that it. Might be for me.Today will most likely bode negatively.

It started with me waking up upset, hurt and beaten from the day before where I had gone through hell, every minute I was breathing was torture every second I blinked was tears. There's 5 lessons in my school day each an hour and some an hour and a bit. Every lesson that day except for English, I had a panic attack, I had a tearfest I had a reminder on why I shouldn't be here. Anyways so that day was a bad one not the worst, I've had worst somewhere in my mind however I don't think I remember, It could have been worst I was lucky nothing happened when I got home.

So I got up found out my phone hadn't charged and it wouldn't charged and then panicked more. Let me put this into perspective for you, you have hella anxiety and your going on a bus trip, on your own, people who have given you so much shit are gonna be on this bus, people who give you judge looks are there too and more
@$$holes who throw shit. OH and this bus is basically going straight to hell (school) - not that I hate school just the people, perpetual bullying and anxiety,plus maths sucks :P .

So because my phone wasn't charged but I needed it and was panicking I took it and had to pretend to be using it for music on the bus (facepalm) it sucked but anyways got to school bus was late and then was V panicky even more than before  also that morning I was wearing a cardigan as a jumper and I felt like I looked fat in it so gave me alot of the anxiety ANNND then I was worrying about getting home, my mum had a home visit from a lady in school 'bisson' because I told them what happens at home.

So our bus was late, my phone was dead, there was a home visit happening and I felt gross and self conscious in my uniform.

When I started walking past the closed gate, I contemplated heading to the 'emotional wellbeing center' not because I wanted to die, I was not closely thinking about death at the time. But because I was anxious about the way I looked, and that I was late and annoyed at my phone not being charged. But I thought to myself na I'm strong I can do this.

So I walk through reception into tutor, I see my friend 'L,E',at our desk, it calms me and so I try to breathe and not cry as I take a seat.Im okay,I say to myself.
Then my tutor teacher (the teacher who supervises us during morning and afternoon registration). Miss coles (she's very clever and pretty) anyways she sends me and some other girl to the English and maths office for a revision help session thingy. We go there and I remember it's supposed to be in a different room, I don't say anything this other girl finds out we then head to the room next too our tutor and finally settle down. I sit on my own and start panicking I try not to cry but a few tears peak, no one notices, scrap that, NO ONE CARES.

This all stresses me out and I need to breathe then the school bell for first lesson goes and so do I,however not to first lesson.
I head to ewc, tell them about my phone, my uniform,being late,and the panic about; when I get home.

After having to write more shit down, finally getting my phone to charge and removing my cardigan I was taken back to maths (my first lesson)
Maths was over pretty quickly, probably because I spent a lot of it in ewc.

So I eventually got through maths(with a small panic)
Next was English - - which I GOT THROUGH WITH NO PANIC!!

After that was break and I went to ewc, like I always do for break, I just wait for the staff to leave and walk around the room occasionally glancing at my phone, alone.

After break I went to.. Pe. So I headed in,panicked already because I didn't want to go to pe, because this kid'O, F'  kept hitting me ON PURPOSE! I don't know if he hated me because HE did orBecause he goes out with this bitch 'A. G') who wants to upset me for no goddamn reason and then I HAD FORGOTTEN MY LONGSLEEVE SHIRT!!. I needed the long-sleeved shirt because it was very cold and long-sleeved is our pe kit. must have for pe when outdoors in cold seasons! So what did I do?

I reluctantly went back to ewc and told them, they were twats about it and spoke to the pe department about me borrowing a long sleeved ((not realising that would get my ass in detention anwayyyyss... So turned out we weren't doing pe outside because some teacher was ill instead we were doing BEnchball.
After panic pe it was science, went to science my friend L, E, wasn't there because she was ill at break time and so I was on my own (which is shit, but fine) then, when I heard teh science teacher mutter the words "pra-cti-cle" I started panicking and was actually tearing up, but not loud sobbing just tears and ache throat.

I think to myself, I can't go back to ewc,i've been three almost every lesson today, and I think to myself I don't want to go back.
I try so, so hard to make it through teh science lesson doing the practical on my own, having people look at me and judge me. And my eyes keep welling up tears and  patter down my cheaks. It gets so obvious  a kind girl 'z asks me if I'm okay, all I can do is nod because if I speak I might burst into waaay too obvious tears. The science teacher ignore me for a long ass time before I finally get to speak to him, and when I do I can't take it any longer I show him my go to ewc card and give him my work and leave.

I head to ewc to find the lady lisa bisson who was doing the home visit with my mum, was talking to the lady in ewc, mrs webb who I speak to. So she says the home visit went well and then leaves. Then mrs webb starts to ask what happened in science to make me leave, I told her. She was speaking to me like there was something wrong with me,she put on a weird voice and was speaking to me like I had a neurological dysfunction,like there was something 'wrong' with me.

In that moment I felt so alone, like I couldn't talk to anyone anymore, like she wasn't gonna help and was just tormenting me. (that's when I started thinking, 'it wasn't just a terrible day'

The bell for lunch rang and I got out of ewc fast, sick of them treating me funny. I head to science to collect my bag ((as it was left there from me leaving science)). The science teacher, Mr c  is nice to me, also assertive (like me)  not my fav teacher, but not disliked.
So it's lunch time and I head into his class to collect my bag and then to my sorrow the bitch a. G was in the classroom along with her faithful companion twat Ruben, Marshall they both gave me shit alot in year 10 for NO GODDAMN REASON!! There in there for a detention it looks like, so I just ignore their loud whispers they wanted me to hear 'chrisssssy' (the reason I don't like being called chrisssssy is because these kids kelan Shelan and Tom Hillman took the piss and said "Chrissy, chrissy, show us your tits" alot in year 10, AGAIN FOR NO REASON.

So I grab my bag and leave but on my way out I see a smile of hope. This smile of hope was from the nicest, kindest girl at the school alyssa, she always smiles at me and is so goddamn nice I hope she accomplishes all of her dreams! 

So after I leave I head to the textiles room to do textiles work at lunch ((Its SO much better than spending lunch, in ewc, hiding in a corner because your worried someone might see you and judge you for being alone))

So after such a shit day I try to get over it and do my textiles work. I tear up again and panic a little but not drastic crying I manage to make it to afternoon registration without any stutters. After lunch, I had actual lesson textiles and got tears again bad. I thought I'd have to leave, thought my eyes were gonna full on flush. Mannaged to survive and get onto the bus, to then have a shitty bus journey (but at least my phone was now charged an I had my music) notheless a shitty, shouting, bus journey home (I wasn't shouting kids at the back were) man I just zone out with my music.

When I get home that Monday I panic about mums reaction to the home visit but she's real calm about it. I get in a lot of arguments with kia (she throws a shit load of metal things at my head, I end up watching edits and ytp's in my room. But that's when I decided I'm not scared of dying, you can probably guess what happened next I decided my faith..

{I would try - not give up yet,

{3 days to redeem itself

- I've done this challenge before and normally the days get better and either or the 2nd day or last day I get help or feel better. But I was so serious about it this time and as stupid as it is, I wanted the days to be shitter than shit so I'd never have to do the challenge again so I'd never have to do life again.