SPECIALS

Chapter Three: Jett

Geez, lunch time couldn’t come soon enough! I mean, for real. How long do they think a person can sit and listen to old killjoys without consuming anything remotely resembling sustenance? Like, an hour. Maybe. And how long had it been since we got here? I dunno, ten years? A century? In fact, I probably already lost consciousness from lack of nourishment, and now I was just hallucinating the horrible sight in front of me.

A giant pumpkin butt.

Ms. Sperinelli’s, to be more specific. My third period Social Studies teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good lecture on the fall of the Roman Empire as much as the next guy, but I’m sorry. This was just plain boring. And on my first day, too! Cut a brother some slack! I don’t know what mankind did to deserve this. Correction- I don’t know what I did to deserve this. 

Oh, wait... there was that time I put clear glue in the hand sanitizer dispenser in sixth grade. Heh, that was a good day. Of course, there was that one kid that had an allergic reaction. His hands swelled up and they had to take him to the hospital… but I sent an electronic Get Well Soon card… which basically makes up for the whole ‘allergic reaction-inducing’ thing. More or less.

And then there was that time I dumped a package of body glitter into Char’s bath gel. Err... that wasn’t a good day. She looked like a walking disco ball. She sounded like a crazy banshee. In my defense, I was way too dumb back then to understand the difference between a bad decision, and an idiotic one. She threw me out of the second story window from across the room. With her mind. She looked like a silver, sparkling, enraged alien. 

Thankfully, the neighbor’s blowup pool caught my fall. I’d like to think Char knew it was there before she tossed me out. But, with her, you could never be too sure. She assured me she was “well aware of the placement of the pool”, but I had my doubts. Still, the pool was half empty, filled with dead leaves, and dead insects. I had nightmares about it for weeks. Like I said, bad day for me.

So… I guess you could say I’ve done a few, selective little things that would make me deserving of listening to Ms. Pumpkin-butt for forty minutes. But I am truly repentant of my wicked ways. I have turned and seen the light! I have-

“Jett Stone! Answer the question!”

I jerked my eyes back up to the pumpkin butt. But I was now looking at her face, rather than her... eh... rotund behind. She looked like she was in her mid-forties. Her dark brown hair was tightly hair-sprayed into a round beehive around her equally round face, which was mascaraed and powdered to high heaven. Her round cheeks were an unnatural shade of pink that matched her lips and her way, way too tight pantsuit.

Seriously, don’t nobody wanna see that.

I swallowed and gave her my most charming smile. The one that made girls go gaga back in Almira. “I’m not sure I understand the question.” I told her easily. Yeah, that sounded smart.

Ms. Sperinelli scrunched up her big, Barbie doll-pink lips in irritation. “You don’t understand ‘what year was our second president elected and what was his name’?” She demanded, a plump hand on her hip.

Yeesh, her voice was high and annoying. It was going to be a really long year if I had to listen to that forty minutes a day.  I grinned off any embarrassment I might have felt- yeah, right- and straightened up in my chair. Second president… um…

I interlocked my fingers, all businesslike, and met her sharp gaze confidently. “Hm, I wanna say Larry.” The rest of the class burst out laughing. I resisted the urge to stand and bow.

Pumpkin-butt’s pencil thin eyebrows went all the way up to her hairline. “Larry?” She scoffed in disbelief, “Oh, really? And what year was he president?” She crossed her thick arms and gave me a look that practically shouted ‘YOU STUPID, KID’.