Prequel - " My Euphoria "[HIATUS]

I dunno . . .

 . . . I'd often wondered what's the definition of normal? I mean I still think of this every now and then but I'll get scolded if I ever ask this because its dumb question that brings no benefit whatsoever just like the dumb person who asked it.

I don't understand how one minute there's a spark of euphoria in my heart and a second later it's gone with just a single sentence , a single word or a single look from someone I know.

whenever I feel sad , I'd be belittling myself in my head over and over and over again about how useless I am, how worthless, how pathetic , how I'm not good enough for anything, how I don't deserve what I have and how horrible of a person I am.

I hate myself. I hate how I'm so negative and how I stupidly said that I wanted to change for better but I'm not doing anything to change myself! 

Everyday I would question how I got amazing best friends , my baby brother who is like a twin to me and my 8 siblings that loves me and wants the best for me. My late mother who cared for me till her last breath and I did nothing that was worthwhile to deserve them!!!

I want to cry so badly, to scream so hard till I can't say a word but what's the point of doing that? It's not gonna change anything. 

Whenever D or Kim scolded me for something , a voice in my head would remind me again and again how truly pathetic I am .

I give up so easily , I don't have the resolve to change and all I do is make it harder for everyone around me.

I hate how I'm aware of whats around me , what I'm doing and how it affects others but I won't do anything about.

I hate myself. I hate how this empty feeling and the guilt I'm feeling because of bringing disappointment to my love ones is eating me away.

I'm so tired. I'm not physically tired but my emotions are going haywire and my mind isn't helping at all. I'm just so tired and I don't know what to do. . . I feel so broken but at the same time I don't feel like I'm broken at all. I always tell myself " I'm fine.I'm fine.I'm fine. . ." but I'm not fine. Just another lie I'd tell myself but who cares right? Just like Kim said " the world is always unfair. "  I mean after all  I'm just a crazy kid that is too hyperactive for my own good. . .or is that just something I'm forcing myself to believe its true?

I dunno  . . . .

fuckersswag

-Intro [It triggers me a lot]

Shn_btsKim

-Ending [An Epiphany]

mintsuo

-Sequel [I am monophobia]

*Riya