Suicide

Suicidal Thoughts

I was lost inside my head. Should I stay or should I go? I dont even know anymore. Is this even reality anymore? or has my nightmares taken over? I can hear my wrists screaming "cut me". I can hear my body screaming "harm me". I stay in my room. I listen to a bunch of bands that keep me sane. But after a while, they stop working. the medication stops working. Everything that helped me, stopped. I couldnt control myself. My friends? where were they? they couldnt save me either. Im on my own.

I am the girl that helps everyone when they need help. The girl that comforts you if you're having a bad day. Im the girl that makes you smile when you're feeling sad. Im the girl that makes you laugh when you feel like crying. Im the girl that could save everyone else, but cant save myself. But when I need help, do I get help? nope. When im having a bad day, does someone comfort me? no. When im feeling sad, does someone make me smile? of course not. When i feel like crying, does someone make me laugh? no, they laugh at me! Im on my own.

Everything just seems to be getting worse. Have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so you just stared blankly into space while feeling your heart break into pieces? that happens a lot. And I feel like im drifting apart from all my friends. I notice everything. And by everything, i mean everything. I notice when someone stop texting me like they used to. I notice when the way someone talk to me starts changing. I notice the little things that people do, and little things they used to do. I notice when things change and when things are no longer the same. I notice every detail. I just dont say anything.

Truth is, im always sad. I just know how to go with the flow. Ive been through ALOT. Thats why im so goofy. I laugh to keep from crying. I might act mean or careless, but I once cared way too much.

But im so emotionally and mentally drained that i completely shut down anyone who tries to help me and make me feel better. I no longer talk about my feelings and i push people away. But thats because im scared. Im scared that people will hurt me and leave me. Ive made mistakes and I regret some of my past. I have trust issues. All because of fake friends.