She was in front of the mirror again. She had busied herself throughout the day yet somehow between unloading the dish washer and putting the clothes in the dryer she stopped to put back the rubbing alcohol that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for two days when she caught a glimpse of her reflection.
At First, she told herself to quickly look away so she would have to deal with a big depression emotion weighing on her all day. She was about to turn and walk right back out the door, but something caught her attention. This time it was her thighs.
Like every time she stared back into a reflective surface, she would find something else to analyze and gawk at. Last night , it was her more than round face, and yesterday morning it was her big upper arms. She knew that she shouldn't stand there and dwell on it,but every second she told herself to move the slower her eyes dragged along her body.
"This is what everyone else sees." This thought plays in her mind like a broken record. She knew if she thought longer, an even worse thought would pop out to her. "This is what he sees." Her face scrunched up with frustration and sadness as her mind floated to the thought of him seeing her like this.
What she didn't know is that he saw every time she was quietly judging herself. He would be walking by their bedroom when she would be standing in front of the mirror turning slowly, looking at every part of her body. He would watch her for a few minutes, or at least when he saw her face close to crying. He didn't know what to do. He told her on a daily basis how beautiful she was. He would take the time just to compliment her outfit, even if she wore the same one 2 weeks agp.He never knew what to say to her, because he knew she would never believe him.
He was downstairs cleaning up the living room when he stopped hearing her shuffling upstairs. He sat for a second trying to see what part of the house she was in but when he her a quiet sniffling he knew exactly where she was. He grew frustrated once more because he knew that she was just standing there , letting the mirror fill up lies in her head. Just this morning they were joking and laughing and she expressed how the house was in deep need of a spring cleaning. She reached out to hand him the broom and he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a sweet kiss. She let out a small sigh and he put his hands on her hips. She discreetly put her hands on his chest and pushed him away while whispering to him that he needs to sweep the kitchen. He knew that every time he put his hands on her, she would find an excuse to stop their interaction.
Yes, she let him touch her in the confides of their bedroom, but only with the lights off. She just brushed it off like it was a minor self-esteem issue. He was ok with that because he knew that everyone had tiny self esteem problems. What he didn't realize was that it wasn't just during sex that she felt uncomfortable in her body. She hated her thighs. She hated her stomach. She hated her face. She would go down the list of everybody part and pinpoint exactly what she didn't like about it. She's always done this.
He looked up the stairs listening for her. He went up the stairs to find her in the bathroom, once again, scanning her body with tears in her eyes. He knew she didn't see him come in so he just stood there watching her. Her eyes, he noticed, kept going back to her thighs and that's when he noticed her nails digging into the soft skin. she would rake them up, release then repeat the process slowly.
"Stop it!" her eyes jolted up when she saw him standing by the door with an angry glare in his face. She stared at him, holding her breath while he stared back. His jaw was clenched and his hands were in fist by his sides. He was so angry at her. She was purposely hurting herself. She finally let out a wet, dissheveled breath when one word kept popping into her mind.
"Why?" Why did he care? Why Should he care? She still didn't know the reason as to why he was in love with her. She knew she shouldn't have said that but she was to angry with herself to forget about it. "You shouldn't love me. You could have anyone you wanted. You are beautiful and i'm just this big, fat blob." As she spoke this her body turned her back towards the mirror. She ingnore his gaze on the back of her head and looked into her own eyes sharing her thoughts out loud. "Disgusting." She scanned over her body once more before finally deciding to face him again. "You deserve better, i'm sorry." She looked at him for a moment longer before gliding past him and into their bedroom heading straight for the closet.
She looked at all her clothes and drew up her thoughts. She hated herself. She hated that she couldn't give him what he needed. Her tears were flowing freely as she reached up and yanked down her suitcase. He quietly followed her into their bedroom,stopping and leaning against the doorframe with his arm crossed over his chest. She rushed around the room, gathering clothes and anything she knew she would need overnight.
"What are you doing?" she looked up at the sound of his voice. She quickly blinked back a few tears before returning to fill her suitcase. "i'm not what you need." She stopped to look at him . "You are perfect," her voice cracked. She felt more tears coming and she turned around so he would see them . She knew he was tired of her crying so much. She looked down at her clothes all scatter on the bed and the only thing that she noticed was the sizes on the tags on each piece of clothing. She wished she could just melt into nothing right about now.
"You're ridiculous." She turned around to see him looking at her with a snarl. He finally sees it , she thought. She nodded her head and dropped it back to looking at the floor. She turned around and quickly shoved the rest of her clothes in the suitcase and zipped it back it up. She picked it up and started walking to the door. Once she got to him, she knew that if she said to much her voice would give out and she would start a fresh new batch of tears. He stared into her eyes and she crossed the angry look as a look of disgust.
"Please move," she whispered quietly. He kept his eyes on her as he side stepped to let her through. She made her way to the stairs counting each step it took holding off from crying until she couldn't hold it back any longer. She stopped completely and let out a sob. she moved her hand over her mouth and nearly ran down the stairs to the front door.
This was it. She can let him love who he deserved. She knew he was going to love someone just as beautiful as he was. He was going to be happy. She was doing this for him. She didn't love herself. She wasn't worthy of love. She wasn't worthy of his love. He was beautiful and perfect, she wasn't .
She reached out for the door knob when she felt a hard yank on her wrist spinning her around. "Baby, you're so stupid ." He grasped her head in his hands,forcing her to look at him. She felt her cheeks were damp and his eyes were filled with tears. "How dare you do that. How dare you give up on me;on yourself.Did you expect that I would let you walk out of here? After insulting the one thing that i love the most? You can't do that. You aren't allowed to do that. " She felt a tiny sob come out as she watched him grow angry and hurt. "You are my favorite person. You are my best friend. You are the most beautiful woman i have ever met. And you're sexy as hell. You may see yourself in ways i can't comprehend,but you are wrong. You're wrong . I'm not perfect. You are. You are perfect to me. You may not see that but I will spend everyday for the rest of our lives telling you how beautiful you are. Baby, how can you not see how in love with you i am? " She felt herself starting to smile all the while tears still falling. He wiped under her eyes with the pads of his thumbs. He stopped for a second just staring into her eyes and all she could see now was love. He loved her. He loved everything about her, whether it be her body or the little fits she had. He saw her in a light that she would never see herself in. She may not like looking at herself but she knew that he would be there for whatever mood she was in. He was hers and she couldn't believe she was about to walk out on the best thing that ever happened to her. She let out a little laugh and mumbled a sorry. He just shook his head and smiled. "You stupid girl." He then leaned him and kissed her passionately. He moved his hands that were holding her face down to her hips. She didn't even flinch. She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer. He pulled back drawing in a needed breath and grabbed her face once more. "You're perfect, baby. You're perfect."
