Dream Stories

Him oh Him

This isn't really a dream...just a rant? Sorry enjoy
I still love him of course but I'm trying to move on. I just got done crying for a good 10 mins. I honestly needed to. I hate feelings. I honestly do. Because when I've like someone and they go away for awhile and come back my lingering feelings appear with them and I get stomped to the ground all over again. I hate it I honestly do. I wish it'd go away. I wish I never knew I had something like this. That way I'd never pay attention to the little things. Or overthink when he says something. I hate myself. I hate these feelings. He MIGHT move back. I prayed that he doesn't.

I wouldn't be able to cope with him being back. Because I know he's over me..even though he claims he still likes me. Likes me..those are the key words...likes me. And I..still love him. Which I hate. Because that means when he looks at me, when he touches me and when he talks to me..I take it all in. And I analyze and then over analyze and then I doubt and then hope and then doubt again and then I put my hope down before it tries to get back up. I broke with him. Btw if you were wondering. We stopped talking. We never talked anymore. We went to school together for 7+ years. But it was only when we were graduating did he start to feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I got fooled by him. Sometimes I wondered if when he said he loved him. If he actually meant it. When he said that she didn't like him like that. If he actually knew. I knew. Or at least I felt like I knew. But he would brush it off as me overreacting.

Yet..when he found out about Brandon he mentioned how he was jealous. But it was because I had a past with Brandon and an embrassing one at that. After we had broken up for all about 5 months. I lost my virginity..not to him. Some random white guy i met on tinder. I didn't want to lose it to the white guy. I wanted it to be with him. But I felt like. He no longer loved me. I felt like he was embrassed of me. He came back because she was getting married. She invited him a few months prior during the summer. I had no idea she did. He messaged me asking about my plus 1 post on fb. He threw me off like he usually does. We all went to the wedding. Expect I went with Andy. He didn't know who Andy was. He got jealous..according to Andy. Andy is a close family. I got my hopes up because of that. But because it was her wedding she got super drunk and introduced the both of us too a whole bunch of people and then she wanted us to dance together. I should've said no.

He asked if I wanted to dance. I blamed the alcohol but I wanted to dance with him.

He probably thinks that everytime he comes back here it's to make up for leaving me alone by myself. Fuck that. Fuck that so much. I'd rather you leave me lonely then bring up that shit. He has a girl since the wedding on fb. He wants to be friends. Again. He hesitated to show me the message but asked me for help. I told him to be honest. And I know that hit him hard. Because when we dated I wanted him to be honest. And to talk to me. So I told him. Those things. Talk to her. He leaves tomorrow. Or later today whatever and o told him I'll see him next year. I hope I'm not in town when he comes. Hopefully I'll be gone. I don't know why he thinks it's easy to move on..he didn't seem to love me as much as he said he did I guess. But this is all from my side I'll never know his side. This whole weekend I just wanted to meet up with him and yell at him and hit him. You know like in the Korean dramas...but I honestly want to yell at him.

Ask him if he really did love me. But I don't want to be crazy. I'm sure this is just unresolved shit that'll stay with me. Idk about him. But I'm done. If you want to hear his side. Good luck. I don't think I can look him in the eye without it hurting anymore or look at him in general. I hate him. And I love him so fucking much. I hate it.