I think my very first memory is breastfeeding, all though it's only a vague memory now, I can barely remember it. Even the memory itself is blurry now. I couldn't tell you the order for the rest of my memories after that, I don't even think that I remember them in order, which more than likely sounds unbelievable, but either that's sorta normal, or it's because I've forced myself to forget, just to remember it all over again so many times that it's just gotten all jumbled together. So my heads a mess, so this all probably will be too. I remember my mom changing my diaper at my Uncle Bruce's house. My Dad, this one time I got really sick and couldn't stop throwing up, and his dumb ass gave me milk, and it ended up making it all so much worse, they had to bring me to the hospital to try and make me feel better, I still ended up being sick for like another week after that. This other time I went to the hospital, I was given this black and white stuffed cat, I ended up calling him Mr. Fat Cat, because he was really fat. I think this was when I was five and I broke my elbow in the pool playing with the neighbor girl. I can't even remember her name anymore, I could a couple of years ago though, It's sad. My mom stopped letting me hanging out with her, I don't even know why though, it's kind of scary thinking that it could have been because maybe Greg (my dad) had started to get too friendly with her, and tried something, or maybe said something inappropriate to her. Her family is who helped us escape though. I wish I could remember her name so I could try to find her on facebook or something. I know I was really young, but I still miss her, and she still managed to impact my life. But I miss everyone lately. I might try to look up my old family members up when I get out sense I'm eighteen now. I remember Christmas with everyone over at my Aunt Susan's house back when I was really little. Everyone adored me because I was the new youngest, and no one had a kid for a little while now, so I was the baby baby. One of the years over their, one of the cousins had gotten a train set, with all these extra tracks, so I ended up helping them build it. I remember the nerf wars we used to have all the time, and all these other cool things we did too. When we'd play hide and seek the adults would help hide me, so I was like the best at it. I used to play with my "babies" with my dad a lot, I don't even remember what exactly we used to play anymore. One of their eyes and nose is messed up because I threw it out the window of the car while we were on the highway, and a truck ran it over. My parents still went and got it for me anyway though. The same thing happened with this grey and white stuffed cat I had gotten after going to the hospital when I was in a car accident when they were bringing me home from the hospital. It's eye was completely missing, and it had a little white shirt with the hospitals name on it. I'm pretty sure that got left at my uncles house, and than thrown away when we had to leave.
My mom used to pretend to be this princess over the phone, so I was friends with "Princess Marinara" when I was little. I used to talk on the phone with her, and we'd send each other letters. She'd give me presents all the time, at least now it seems like it was all the time. I remember how one christmas I had gotten a barbie lunch box from her, basically at least half of my doll stuff collection was from this imaginary person. I used to have this train and house that I'd pretend I lived in and explore the world with, more than likely to escape my house.I used to play this bratz babyz video game on the playstation. We used to have this huge oscar fish, I was so upset when my parents had sold him. After I watched Nemo, I put sudhsoap into the fish tank to feed the fish and make bubbles. My dad used to watch this show called Gargoyles with me, I kinda miss watching it to be honest. I remember going to the hospital when my sister was born, and as soon as I got there, I went from being excited, to not liking her. It's not even the amount of attention she was getting, I don't even remember that, it was when I looked at her I felt scared. When Sam (sister) was being born, I was staying with my "Grandmother who lived over the water", I got into a fight with her the first night I spent over there over my pillow being to hard, and also because she wouldn't play candy land with me, I was three, so of course it was a fit. I remember a holiday when all my cousins and other family members and such went to her house, she had these circle art things, and I remember obsessing over that, and the harmonica. Her basement was filled with so much junk for all the kind. She's probably dead by now though. My dad used to drive a yellow car, and I think that might be why my favorite color is yellow lately. My dad and me had built this giant toy box. It had stickers all over the top of it. I remember putting it in storage while we were moving, but I don't remember if we ever did bring it to Michigan with us or not. One time when Mariah came over she got me to inside it, and she trapped me in it for what felt like forever, and of course we trashed my room, and of course she didn't try to help me clean it up. Also that day I remember getting really embarrassed, because I tried pulling down my grandmothers shirt, I don't remember why, but my mother said it was because I was still just being weaned off of breastfeeding, so I must have been like two, but that seems too old to be breast feeding though, so I don't know, but whatever, I remember hiding from her the rest of the time she was there that day though. I remember my dad always letting us drink sips of his beer, I didn't like it, but my sister always asked for more. He drank one during breakfast a lot too, sadly. When we went to Michigan, my mom used to garden a lot with me. And then me and my dad built a playground together, it had a swing, a slide, a rock climbing wall, a net wall, and a tower. I used to play outside a lot from what I remember. I used to play with bumble bees, and when it would rain we would all go outside and play in the puddles. I used to wear tan work boots, because they were the same kind that my dad used to wear, and I used to like to math with him. I used to take his glasses and wear them while he was taking a shower. He also used to let ,e put his hair in a ponytail for him when he was getting ready for work, on the days that he had off sometimes he'd let me braid his hair or do other things. My dad used to work in a warehouse, and sometimes he'd let bring by mom and me, I don't remember much about the first one except that it was big, smelled weird, and was dark. The second one just had a lot of people. We used to drive in his truck sometimes, and I'd sit at my moms feet or on her lap. I remember Greg letting me "drive'' the car in the parking lot of a restaurant while we waited for everyone else to finish up what they were doing. Alisha was one of them, she died a little after her eighteenth birthday because she had either parkinson's or ALS, but it never bothered me how she acted. I used to lay with her in the middle of the floor and play with my stuffed animal next to her. She had like auburn hair, I remember how she looks still, it's kind of weird for me though, because I never seem to remember those kinds of details. When we were selling the house in Cleveland, one of the people sat and taught me how to braid my bratz dolls hair. I still had the doll with the braids still in it until Sam stile it and lost it at school or something a couple of years ago. I used to have to cats when I was still little and living with my dad, one named Bell, she was a brown tabby, and another named Cotton Candy, because she had blue and pink all over her from my mom accidentally spilling kool aid on her and then just dying the rest of her. I have this scar down my lip because this one time I was playing with Cotton Candy under this chair with a crayon, like just pushing it back and forward with her, and she got too excited and like scratched me absolutely everywhere, and she got my lip really deep, so now I have "Cotton Candy scars" that run from the area by my nose all the way below my chin. I also had a pitbull named Butthead, he was a goofy dog. I miss him. All of the cousins had to call him Bustard, because they weren't aloud to say butthead because I guess it was a bad word or something. My mom used to paint my nails and toenails a lot on the porch in Michigan. I used to cuddle a lot with her too, curling up in that area where her knees bend, using her legs as a really uncomfortable pillow. I feel like my play room was always really dirty no matter where we were living. When I was four my dad went on this trip, and someone had broken into our house and pushed my mom down the stairs. It might have potentially been one of my dads friends, at least that's what I think now, because I feel like I might have recognized him from his work or something, but anyways, she lost a lot of her memory because of it, and now she struggles really badly with remembering a lot of things. I remember that I ran down after her, and she was unconscious for several minutes. Like I said, I saw the guy that had pushed her down, but after he pushed her down, he tried to grab me before I had ran down the stairs. When my mom wake up she was just telling me how it was going to be okay and go back up the stairs, but then to stay close to her, I don't think she remembered what had happened when she was first waking up, because I remember how her expression had just changed after a little bit of time had passed, and that was when she had told me to stay close to her. My great grandmother used to watch over me thru a little precious doll painting on my wall across from my bed, I used to see the eyes move watching me when I'd run around my room. Then there used to be this thing, that sounded like it came from under my bed that would growl or yell at me all the time. I was scared of going to sleep because of it. I used to play cards with my dad on the computer in the basement in the Cleveland house,the only issue with that is it normally led to other not so good things. He would have one hand on the mouse, and eventually after some time he'd have his other hand either down my pants, or inside of my shirt playing with my nipples. He'd give me and my mom drugs, or he'd make me drink sometimes so I'd be more tired, and he'd bring friends over that would touch me all over, some would pull it out of their pants and get themselves off on to me, usually on my stomach or face. Then there would be others that would actually rub it on my crotch, and every once in awhile actually put it in. I get made fun of alot, because I can't give my significant others blow jobs most of the time. Like I literally have to be in a certain state and babied. It's not because I don't want to do it for them, it's that it's literally so mentally hard for me to be able to do something like that half of the time. When I would take showers with my dad, there'd be normal things we would do, like he'd hold me up to the water to catch it, or he'd catch the water and drop it on my head. He'd wash my hair, wash me, but that's when it starts to get weird. When he would was me with the soap, he would focus a little too long on my lower areas, pressing his fingers into the creases and holes. He'd have me kiss his balls, he'd shove himself into my mouth until I'd choke. He'd do these things repeatedly until I'd choke. He'd drug drug my mom so badly she basically was imobile for days at a time. He'd rape her during those times, and me too. This One time hell called me down to the basement to play cards on the computer, after we played for a little, he got mad at me for no reason, and pushed me off of his lap , and smacked me across my face so hard I fell into the wall. He pulled me up by my hair and dragged me to the guest bedroom downt here, pulled my clothes off of me, and tied me to a computer chair. He put something over my head, and just left me here. Eventually I fell asleep after what felt like hours of waiting.When I finally woke up again, I woke up to him pulling on the flaps of my vagina. When I tried to say something, he stuck his fingers in, pulled out, and shoved them into my mouth till I almost threw up. The only reason he stopped before he did, was because I started biting down on his fingers. So he started choking me instead. I just remember him pushing me every which way, stretching and pulling my skin to the point it was creating little witches that eventually turned into bruises. When he untied me from the chair, he started pulling my at my hair, and forcing me to lick up and down his thighs and chest. He'd have like these mood swings too while he was doing all of these things, like one minute it was that, and the next he'd start hugging me and telling me how much he loves me and how he's so sorry for hurting me and making me cry. He'd do this continuously just long enough for me to start calming down, just to hit me or pull my hair, and start doing everything all over again. I remember just screaming out in pain when he finally did just stick it inside of me. I hated it, everything about it, it hurt so bad and it made me feel so trapped, and he just didn't care about how much I was struggling with it all. When he was finally done, he just left me there, I remember just sitting there for a little while, eventually putting my overalls back on, going up the stairs, making a fort, and falling asleep with my stuffed dog, puppy. There are so many moments like this, but I'd rather not go through it all again right now. But the last time that he raped me was on my sixth birthday, and then the last time he molested me was a week after that. In the shower. And I remember complaining to my mom about it after that last time, and then a day after that we left. On a good ote, I also used to have a guinea pig, but greg accidentally gave him too much salt, and he died. I also used to build things with him in the basement, I liked to hammer things I guess. I remember how my mom used to sneak off to the store, and one time she got me pencil grippies and the little cap erasers, and I thought it was like the coolest thing ever at the time. Basically the only reason my mom was allowed to leave the house was if she was with my dad, we were playing outside in the yard, when she was walking me to school when we still lived in Ukled, or walking me to the bus stop when we moved to Michigan. I don't remember my mom ever really talking to the other parents at the bus stop. Kindergarten and first grade were rough for me, because for one, not to be racist, I was the only white kid in my class, and the other kids would always want to touch the skin on my arms, or play with my hair, and the teacher would never do anything, and physical contact makes me really uncomfortable, so I would always end up hiding underneath my desk crying or something. So because of this, I got yelled at by my teachers a lot, and there were several times she would get so mad at me she'd just choke me, or shake me, or push me around. And then on top of that, I almost never had recess, and that was because busses didn't go around where I lived, because I lived pretty close to the school, so I always had to walk. If I was only a minute late to school, I wasn't allowed to go to recess. I honestly think I only had recess like eight times that year, and every single time she took us to the smaller playground, instead of the bigger one that they usually went to, except once, but we had a substitute that day. I think the only highlight from those years was when I got to bring in a huge snake skin at show and tell. My parents and me had found it when at our house down south. We used to let the grass get super long, and then my dad would cut the grass around the house, and leave the rest, except for these little paths or mazes for me to play in that would lead to this old oil pump that I could play on. I used to find caterpillars there, and keep them as pets. I remember watching cinderella with like three of them crawling all over my fingers, singing along to the bippity boppity boo song. I don't remember much from my great grandparents house, except that there always seemed to be a lot of people over, that they grew sunflowers, and all the ladybugs. I swear there were hundreds, if not thousands, every single time that I had come over. I remember freaking out this one time, because I tried to bring some of them home, and one got out of the jar and ended up climbing into the roof through a crack and I couldn't get him back out, so I ended up sobbing half of the way home. I used to give my grandparents who lived over the water all of my quarters, she used to tell me how she would use them for her trips down to florida over the winter. Then the very last time I ever remember going to the park in Ukled, there was this black guy that just came up to me while I was on the swing, and he pointed at me, stopped, and then started yellin ''zero'' to someone else around. I guess that was the big reason why we ended up moving to Michigan. I still remember looking up at both of my parents, wondering why I was so small, and they're so tall compared to me. I remember going to this park that was next to a baseball field, and sometimes my dad would let me take a ball I'd find home. It was next to an indoor swimming pool, and the building has this huge painting of on ocean on it. I'm pretty sure that the painting is till there today. I also used to do cheerleading when I was five and six, but that's a different matter, and it's kind of embarrassing now to think of myself doing that now. I still remember some of the cheers and the dances that go along with it now. They're so bad.
