Science ended up being a little better than I had hoped. But only a little. Marley and I sat together in the back of the class and I couldn't look up without flicking my eyes her direction. I guess I was trying to read her expressions for some hint of what she was feeling. Searching for some promising supressed smile or giggle or just her dimples wrinkled a little, maybe. But she just stared at the front of the class with a blank expression and I had to stop myself from reaching over and pushing her a little so that we could talk. I was dying to know what her news was and I half decided that I would whisper to her, but Mr. Walther is very strict about talking during class. And texting would draw more attention than a whisper becuase I swear, Mr. Walther has a 6th sense of knowing when students are using their phones. It's actually pretty creepy.
The class just started and we have close to another hour before transitions so I decide to go old school and write her a note. This is what it says:
Marley--
I'm dying to know what your news is!! Do you think you have enough guts to tell me now? :)
Elizabeth
While Mr. Walther has his back to the class, I swiftly slip the note onto her desk without looking at her. I can tell that Jacob Collins who is sitting behind me saw, but he won't do anything about it hopefully. Marley looks at the folded piece of paper and then over at me as if to say 'Really? You couldn't just wait 57 more minutes to talk to me?', but then she sighs and unfolds it in her lap. Mr. Walther is still writing on the board and I smile knowing that we won't get caught.
She reads the note quickly, probably already guessing what it would say, and starts writing a response. It takes her a while and I get more and more excited at what it will say. A few minutes later, she drops it onto my table just before Mr. Walther finishes writing some giberish on the board involving carbon dioxide and magnesium. I've completely lost any hope of knowing what we're learning about, so I focus on the note.
It reads:
Elizabeth--
I bet I'm dying more than you becuase I crashed into this guy this morning (with my clumsy habits). And he wasn't just any guy. He was like really really cute and tall and I immediately started appoligizing too much and he just shook it off and said he was lucky to have 'run into me' and then you'll never believe what happened!! He asked me out!! Just like that. Without even knowing me at all. And I said yes. So I'm meeting him at The Harlequin Angel Cafe tonight!
Freaking OUT,
--Marley
Now, as I sit in my seat trying to pay attention to the lecture and not fall asleep on my desk, I suddenly feel jealous of her. Happy, but undoubtebly jealous. She's going on a date tonight and I can't even look myself in the mirror without thinking that it was my fault that Granny Helen died, let alone think about boys.
I knew Marley's news would be something like this, but the sick feeling inside my stomach doesn't lessen. It's a big knot of envy. I envy her life. Her innocence. Her beauty. And I know that it's wrong to feel like this, but I just want to get out of this cage that has me trapped like a song bird. Marley is the bird on the outside of the cage. The one that escaped, and I'm stuck in here trying to figure out how she did it.
And it's not fair. It never is. I feel my eye tearing up for the millionth time since the death and I raise my hand to go to the bathroom before Marley suspects something. I want her to be happy and free, I just want her to take me too. I want to end this stand-still of sorrow and wake up to whisper and wonder again.
