Light as a Feather

Chapter one - Laz

I haven't felt this worried in months, I took my eyes off him for two seconds, two seconds was all it took and now I am hopeless. The flashlight in my hands is starting to ache my entire body. I have no more tears in my eyes and my voice is horse from calling his name. The people around me are looking under the slides and bushes around the play area, constantly calling his name. I rub my forehead in frustration, I know he isn't far, he wouldn't stray far from me, I can feel him still.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Sarah, why don't you go home? He may have wondered back by now. He's a smart lad," I looked up at Mr Kerry, my next-door neighbour. He had a slight smile on his face, but his eyes read a completely different emotion. He was petrified, just like me. He took care of Laz like he did his own children. Never failed to come and check-up on us and make sure I had enough food in for both of us. I placed my hand on top of his and shook my head.

"I can't, I know he's still here. He's probably just scared," Mr Kerry nodded and moved away. I began to wander towards the small forest area. I know he always found it fascinating, especially when he found a small frog amongst the brown leaves. The path has become overgrown. I waded through the nettles and thorns, the cries from those who were helping slowly become distant. A small boy distracted by frogs and creepy crawlies wouldn't hear anyone calling for him. I pushed through a prickly bush as it scratched into my bare skin. "Laz, Laz," I whispered as I got down onto my hands and knees, the cold mud soaked through my jeans. Twigs tugged on my hair as I crawled deeper into the area. "Laz, come on baby, come out," I pushed back some branches and found a little open clearing. Dusk had turned into night and the flashlight's power wasn't that strong, but I could make out a small, stocky shadow sat on the ground. "Laz!" I scrambled to my feet and watched as his little face turned slightly towards me. His dark hair was ruffled, and he had mud sprayed on his cheeks.

"Mumma!" he screamed in delight. He clambered onto his feet, his hands smeared in mud, I thought he was going to run towards me but instead he clenched his little fist tightly and extended an arm behind him "it my friend!" he bellowed. I looked behind him and saw the leaves shudder in the breeze, I smiled slightly.

"Laz, there's no one there. Come on, let's go home," I say extending my arms out to him. His furrowed his small brows together as anger brushed against his face.

"You are being very rude Mumma,"

"Laz," I felt the exhaustion wash over me, "stop playing this game and let's go,"

"No, you say hello!" his fists were by his side and he stamped his foot. I raised my hand to the bridge of my nose and let out a sigh.

"Hello, Laz's friend. Okay, darling let's go home now," I said, indicating him to take my hand. His little face bloomed into delight and he trotted over to me and slipped his muddy hand into mine, we began to leave the clearing through the brushes and thorns as Laz said,

"my friend said daddy wants to see me, can we see daddy?" I froze, as I felt a cold tingling sensation creep up my back. I no longer felt that we were alone. I spun around and investigated the clearing, shining my flashlight around madly. I saw no one, and yet I felt fear prick my stomach. I pulled Laz closer to me. "Mumma, no one is there," I saw the rustle of leaves in the breeze and felt the warmth of Laz's small body near me. "Let's go, Mumma."

I pulled Laz out of the forest area and yelled to everyone nearby that I found him. I heard everyone cheer as they made their way over to hug me and tell Laz how worried everyone was for him. I watched as he soaked up the attention, delighted at how many people were talking to him. Someone took the flashlight from my hands and rubbed my arm. I felt the coldness creep up my back again, I wrapped my arms around my body and tried to hold back the tears. After a few minutes I felt Laz's body against my leg, he looked exhausted. I scooped him up into my arms and felt his heavy head rest against my shoulder. I thanked everyone nearby and excused myself as we made our way home. Mr Kerry yelled my name as I walked up the hill, I ignored him and continued, Laz's body made it tiring work. "Sarah! Sarah!" He soon caught up to me, but I didn't stop. "Sarah, how is he, was he hurt?" He breathed as he caught up to my side.

"He's fine," I said coldly, as I persisted up against the hill.

"Where was he?" I remind quiet as my arms wrapped more tightly around Laz. "Here, let me take him," Mr Kerry said reaching out to take Laz from my grip. I jerked him away.

"No! you will not touch my son; do you hear me? You will not speak to him, you will not look at him, and by god, if you dare come to my house I will call the police." I snapped, stopping dead on the hill. Mr Kelly took a step back holding his hands up defensively.

"Sarah, I know you are feeling a multitude of feelings right now, but I care about you and Laz. Please don't push me away."

"Did you tell him his daddy wanted to see him?" I whispered harshly, covering Laz's ears.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Sarah . . . I . . . I have never asked about Laz's father, I didn't know what the situation was, and I never wanted to ask. Why would I tell Laz such a thing?"

"Just stay away from us. Someone told him, and it certainly wasn't me. Go home to your wife Mr Kelly." I proceeded to make my way up the hill, leaving Mr Kelly to stand there in his guilt and confusion.

*

I settled Laz into his bed and pulled the cover up to his chin. He rubbed his eyes sleepily and rolled over. I rubbed his back and made my way out of the room, "Mumma. . ."

"Yes, darling?"

"I do not want to see daddy . . . Can you tell him?" He mumbled sleepily.

"Of course, darling," I flicked off his light and pulled the door too. I made my way to my bedroom and pushed the door, leaving a crack open in case Laz woke up. I went to my bedside table and pulled open the draw, sat in there was a rouge memory book, scraps of paper with dog ears were sticking out of it left, right and centre. I pulled it out and opened it, in there were hordes of photos of Laz and I. Especially him as a newborn baby. I had letters from my parents and friends who I haven't seen in four years, but there was no evidence of Laz's father, not one photo, not one letter, even when I try to conjure memories of him my memory comes up blank. I knew I was in love with him but now all I feel is anger and pain, I don't know why he left, did I do something wrong? I felt the tears prick my eyes, sometimes my thoughts get the better of me, they do more damage than good. Being alone with your thoughts is toxic. I flip through the book, no longer holding the tears back. I can't even remember his face; does he look like Laz? Maybe he's even found someone new, maybe someone who understands him, why can't I remember him, yet I have all these feelings? I slam the book shut and throw it on the bed, the tears are flowing thick and fast and I can't make them stop. I cover my hands over my mouth and cry silently, I want to say its all from the commotion tonight of losing Laz, but really, I know its because of him, a man I don't even know.