And Its Okay

Ending

The only sounds that could be heard around me were the slowly quickening beat of my heart and quiet rapid huffs of my steadily rising breath. My footsteps clicked lazily against the many stairs that I climbed as my ears started screaming with a high pitched ring. While trying to block the deafeningly silent sounds surrounding my brain out of my head, I hadn't noticed that the short trek to the rooftop had came to an end.

Once I shook my head, braking my trance of concentration, I slowly opened the roof top door, making it squeak a horrendous sound. Stepping outside, I look up. The start shadowed alone the darkness of the night sky, delicately outlining the abyss of empty space. It was beautiful and quiet. The wind rushed hastily past my hair and the cool chill of the night sky crept up silently on my skin. I took a long, shaky, well-needed breath, and sighed.

I slowly creped closer to the edge of the towering building with note firmly grasped in my shivering hand. With my heart bursting and my breathing quickening, I went faster, as there was no way I was going back now. A freezing cold shred of water fell from my eye as a stepped upon a small ledge near the edge. Tucking the important note safely inside one of my shoes, I took a long breath in and then out.

While building up the courage to finally jump, to finally end the mental pain my brain was suffering, I racked my hand over my arm to remember the physical pain my body had gone through. From the long lasting, scaring lines of dripping blood, to the short burst of pain of cigarette burns self inflicted on my skin. I processed everything. I finally had an epiphany that I was just tired. Tired of hurting, tired of faking the smiled, tired of getting up in the morning. Just tired in general. Tired of everything.

I decided that I was doing the right thing. Not just for me, but for everyone. I knew I was a nuisance and a pain, a fuck up and a mess. I knew people didn't actually care about me or that people just used me. I knew that I had failed. Failed at life. And I wasn't ok with that. Thats why I knew I was doing the right thing. The right thing for me, and everyone around me.

With that last final, depressing, thought in my mind, I lent forward. My grip on the icey safety railing loosening. My grip on life, loosening. I would finally have some peace.

With tear stains on my rosy cold cheeks and wavering watery eyes, I let go. Let go if my fears, anxieties, my past and my future. I let go of life. And I fell. Falling for what felt like hours that compressed itself into seconds like an hourglass being suffocated under the depths of the great bottomless ocean.

Finally, when my worn out, scared body hit the ground with a quiet thump, I felt at ease. Like everything was finally going to be ok for once. My friends and family would be happier without my worthless life getting in the way of their huge potential and great lives.

Even though people say life flashes before your eyes when you die, they are very wrong. Its the short few moment when you accept your dying is when your life blasts out longingly in front of you, telling you that everything will be okay now. Its the short few moments that you remember what life was about, good or bad, that makes you think about why your life even started in the first place or why its ending.

And its okay. Because when life flashes before your eyes, you get to relive your whole life again and finally be at peace with what's happening. And it's okay.
Its okay.