Why?

Why? Pt. 2

So like two months ago I started cutting myself on my thigh and I only did it twice So there's about 10 small cuts on my upper thigh
I don't want to feel numb. I wanted to have control over something and not be a robot so I cut deep on my upper hip and there's about 15-17 cuts and I cut a few of them very deep and there's still the little pain but I still feel mostly numb and I hate when I get like this and all I do is have tears roll down my face and sit here and stare at my wall. I hate when I get like this and all I want to do is keep cutting but I made a promise to Ali that I wouldn't. I felt worthless and I just want to sleep forever and I feel like I'm falling and all that's going through my head is cutting deep in my wrist and bleeding out but I don't want to do that.

It feels like I'm having a panic attack but I'm not on the outside and my chest is hurting and my heart feels like it's skipping beats and it hurts and I just want to seal myself away from the world and sleep.