Imperfectly Perfect

The Perfect Daughter Everyone Adores

All my life I've been deprived to make choices of my own. Whether to play with my cousins and most especially my studies. Discipline was strictly implemented at home. Rules are rules. You follow the rules...good, you disobey the rules, you get punishment. People say I am such a good daughter...an obedient one. So I feel pressured by their expectations from me because i know some of them are waiting for me to commit a mistake.
 
  All my life I had been doing my best to please my parents, i want them to be happy. Since I was 3, my parents bought lots of books and audios for me to learn to read and write...my training was tough, i had no time to play... I had to follow so that i won't be punished. so, I studied hard to get the highest rank in our school and yes they were so proud walking into the stage everytime my name is called and gold medals and ribbons were to be given to me... My life is great right? Well, that's what i thought also...

  During grade 1, i was the treasurer in our classroom...so i was the one responsible for our classroom's money, i was the one who hold the money from those who refused to help in cleaning the classroom. (If they don't want to clean they must pay). I did gathered a lot from them and i kept the money safely but life really hates me. One day, after i went to the canteen to buy my snacks, i lost our class money. Somebody had found out where I hid it and stole it. During that time, my body froze, i felt cold and i can't move...i was so afraid of what my parents would say and do to me..

  I went home scared. My father seldom comes home because he had to attend our family's business, so me and my mom and our helpers are in the house. I walked silently inside the house and tried to climbed the stairs to go to my bedroom, i had some savings so I could just replace the money i lost. But to my surprise, my mom was there standing in the middle of the stairs with one arm on the railings and the other on her waist. Looking at her, you could tell that she was ready to tear someone. Though i was scared, i tried to climbed another step on the stairs. I tried hard to hide my fear so that she won't notice but as I was three steps closer to her so that I can just run to my bedroom she looked at me sharply, and I could feel an arrow was shot right into me. And so, she knew what happened... I received so much sermon from her the whole night, i was hit with her hand, a broom, a belt and even a hanger for the clothes from my closet. Well what could go worse than that?

On the next day, she went with me together at the school, and as i was about to go to my classroom and step inside, i turned around and saw that she followed me behind and just as i was about to say "i'm going in mom"...those words got stuck on my throat... PAK! The coins feel on the floor in our classroom and my left cheek was burning with pain. My mom hit me with coins in her hands. "Next time this will not be the only thing you'll receive. Pick those coins as a replacement for the ones you lost! You disappoint me!!!" She said those words and left....all my classmates were there and they saw everything...

That was just one of those things i can recall back then...aside from that accident, i had suffered worst than that...i just couldn't bear recalling them...

   Just then when I reached Grade 4, i started to loose my focus on my studies, i started to mingle with my classmates, i learned to play on the plaza with them...oh if you could just feel how happy it is and how fun it is to play and run all day and roll on the grass...the feeling was beyond any words could express...i could feel the fresh air outside while my sweat was pouring all over me...i could feel the grass outside as i played barefooted...so this is what my classmate felt everytime they play during vacant time...THIS IS FUN!

  And so, after discovering what fun was, i gave myself a time to relax and play..i realized that getting good grades doesn't matter,...i have to enjoy life...i want to be outdoors feeling how good it is to be alive....

  Life is too cruel right? You can't expect life to be good to you no matter how hard you try to achieve lots of things...

  From first rank, i fell to the fourth rank, but my grades...for me was still good, getting 94 isn't that bad right? Getting 4th place isn't that bad right? This was my first time to be on the bottom rank, some part of me was still happy and felt contented but some part of me felt scared...

  After what happened to my rank during grade 4, i realized that my parents began to change their attitude towards me...yes my dad said he was still happy...but as for my mom, she said it was okay but I can feel disappointment from her and everytime she meets with her friends she felt ashamed about my studies...

  I was hurt...deeply...

  So, i decided to leave the world of fun behind and focus on my books and focus on achievements for my family's sake and later on during grade 6 when I graduated , I got second place but had lots of minor rewards compared to the one who got the first place...so my parents were extremely happy...

  Me? Am i happy? Yes i was...because I saw how happy my parents are...i am happy...

But...

Life is still so cruel to me...

  I received words that where not even true from my parents mouth, words which could kill a person if he/she is not strong enough to hear them.

I could recall something back then , i forgot what mistake i've done that time but i got a good beating from my mother, she used a belt, broom and this time the hanger was not to hit my legs...she threw it at me with full strength that it hit my chest and caused a small cut and a bruise...and the day after that, i tried my best to walk properly in school even though the marks of the broom and belt felt painful every move i make, and i was happy because my skirt wasn't short so every bruise was covered...

  Since i was young, everytime i commit a mistake, i always get the heaviest punishment both verbally and physically. I must not talk back because if do that i would get my self in a very terrible situation. I, one time forgot about it and defended my self from my mother's harsh judgement, but she said i was talking back at her which is impolite and showing disrespect...so she squeezed my lips and hit it...

  And just so you know, i became the family's biggest disappointment....and so...i felt broken...i was hurt and i felt i was alone....i hated life....i am good, i nver done any bad things, i always thought of others happiness instead of mine...so why? Why can't life be good to me also?

  
  I must not defend myself...they are the law...they are always right... i have no right to get mad...all i have to do is be a good girl and agree.

   So you see, the perfect girl that everyone adored...little do they know had suffered so much but how can they know that? All they think was that i was lucky and i am happy...